Finding Your Parenting Style
Have you been unsuccessful at finding your parenting style? Are you concerned about the Best or Right way to parent your baby, child, or children? Are you struggling with discipline? Do you take a particular approach to mother or fathering and have a bad feeling? Do you force yourself to follow the parenting fad of the times (sleep training, time outs, cell phone rules, etc.)? These questions and many more are a fact of life as parents. From hour to hour, day to day, and child to child, we are forever skeptical in our parenting decisions. At one time or another, we’ve challenged, argued & possibly defended many other parents, including our own to unravel the complex befuddlement that having children bring. Matter of fact, since the techno era, half our time is spent measuring parenting styles against most people on social media. While it is not recommended to compare yourself to others, this is the way the world works nowadays, and we must find ways to survive. Handbook is Missing Let’s face it; babies are not born with a handbook highlighting each phase of his or her life. We are “winging it” from the inception! If you’ve ever run a business or had employees, you know parenting is similar, except there are no HARD RULES! You can’t count on one day being the same as the next because children change (and quite frankly, so do parents). The only HARD FACT is to be flexible and to have a sense of humor. From early in infancy throughout adulthood, no period is stress-less, worry-less, or effortless. Although when you are in the “rough spots,” other phases look more appealing. See if these examples ring a bell: A new mom can’t wait for the newborn to get older so she can get more sleep. The toddler dad is longing for the time his 3-year-old doesn’t change her mind about food (or anything) every 5 minutes. The school-age family that struggles with a learning disability. The preteen that is always angry or in her room. The teen that is now driving or hanging out with a poor choice of friends. The young adult in college potentially making wrong choices. The adult child that is getting married or having a baby at a tender age. The adult leaving a good job or getting a divorce. Let’s not forget the threat of dealing with mental health or addiction problems in this generation. Yes, some periods are calmer and gentler on the family, but as I mentioned before, parenthood is always evolving, and parents need to be on their toes 24/7. All I Ever Need to Know Sure, there are guidelines for parenting that involve morals and ethics, but everything else is a mixture of nature (genetics) and nurture (upbringing) with a dash of guesswork. Basically, if we break down Robert Fulghum’s “All I Ever Need to Know” and teach our kids with those lessons, then we’ve nailed it! In basic psychology, parenting styles have been broken down into four main groups, with a lot of spawns. After extensive research, raising seven children and supporting families for 30 years, my theory is that we use all four styles in varied ways at different times with different children and various obstacles at one time or another. It’s not to suggest that everyone does or should; I’m merely pointing out that we are not perfect-EVER, which leaves us using a style that may or may not have been the best. For instance, I was the pregnant first-time mom in McDonald’s on my lunch break watching another mom feed her kids, and I vowed that I “would never” let my kids eat fast food. Yes, I was stupid enough that I never made the connection I was ALREADY feeding my unborn baby this junk! Not to mention that I have succumbed to junk food with my kiddos many times since. Some excursions were strictly to unwind at the play place or ball pit because I needed a free distraction, but they usually weaseled a happy meal out of me anyway. Right or wrong, I don’t know. I know that we all had a better day when the kids were entertained, having fun, and worn out. Win-win! Test Your Parenting Style FOR FUN: See which style of parenting you think you are and guess again (shhhh don’t tell anyone)! Try asking someone else to read through and judge your technique. Then do it for another person. Don’t forget to share and exchange with your parents and partner as well. Make a promise NOT to let it cause an argument. Most likely, you will see yourself mainly in one category but keep an open mind for the other types. AUTHORITATIVE-warm and responsive with clear rules, accepting, high expectations, positive discipline, earn respect (not demand), supportive, and values independence. Practices hugging, saying I love you, cheering and smiling but expects the child to toe the rope (so to speak). UN-INVOLVED-neglectful, cold, unresponsive, make few demands on the child and can be indifferent. Ignores the child’s needs, wants, or presence in some cases. May not know what is going on in a child’s life with friends, school, dating, etc. PERMISSIVE-has the least rules or demands, indulgent, high responsiveness, warm, and lenient. May allow the child to get away with wrongdoing at school or home. Tries to give everything he or she wants. AUTHORITARIAN– Has high demands, low responsiveness, punishes harshly with little feedback, can be unresponsive, and expects blind obedience. Usually doesn’t listen to the child for his/her reason or argument, wants him to get it done. We’ve all heard the new generation terms for parenting as well: HELICOPTER– overly involved, smothering, hovering, lawnmower, constant interaction or interference, controlling, enmeshed, overprotecting, and over parenting. INSTINCTIVE-old school method of using your gut, intuition, and personal style combined. ATTACHMENT-strong emotional bond, the belief that children should be “attached” at the hip to feel secure enough to be independent someday. TOUGH LOVE– primarily used for troubled, rebellious, or addicted
Sibling Rivalry
Sibling Rivalry-a competition between brothers and sisters-is, not a comfortable term coming from any parent. Matter of fact, it is the bane of every parent’s existence. When pregnant with a second or consecutive child, we spend countless hours in a dream world of how we envision our perfect little family. Even those that grew up with sibling squabbles or still have some today will find themselves thinking, “that won’t be my family.” Seriously, don’t we all think we can raise better kids than that? Or, you may be thinking that your parents didn’t handle the rivalry the way you did and therefore escalated the situation. Always the parents’ fault. Worse yet, could be the parent that still believes his or her sibling is “the favorite.” I’m sure he/she thinks they would NEVER do that to their kids. I grew up in a small Irish Catholic community where large families were the norm. I can only remember one other “only” child in the area. Most of the families had 5-9 children, but even the ones with 2 or 3 appeared to have some tension going on. Of course, I couldn’t relate, so I would beg my friends to stop the arguments and get along. Always asking why they hate their kin so much or how they could be so mean. I mainly took offense to them, wishing they could be an “only” child. All of my life, I wanted for a sibling to have that bond with, so to me, these kids didn’t realize how good they had it. While I, of course, didn’t understand what it was like to share everything, including the parents’ attention. The grass does look greener on the other side. Fast forward to my life with seven children, and I’m thrust into a world of sibling rivalry. I have learned that there is no magic, special potion, curse, spell, or otherwise to MAKE my children get along; with each other or with myself. Nor is there a way to prove your love for each child is as individual as each snowflake. That there are no favorites. Maybe there are times as a parent that you are getting along better with one over another, but you don’t love them anymore. It’s just different, as is each personality in the family. Useful Suggestions for All Since I am no expert, read more about why here. I will share a few tips for ways to help diffuse the situation. Hopefully, some or all will give you reprieve from the commotion going on in the next room. Don’t let sibling rivalry bring you down to their level. What those cherub children are doing- purposeful or not- is trying to make you choose between them. Whose side you take, equates to who you love more, in a child’s mind. Avoid branding-we are all guilty of this. Each family has its jester, geek, smartypants, jock, introverted, extroverted, etc. Don’t compare or put each kid in a box. Don’t take sides-I know it’s difficult at times, but showing neutrality can keep the peace. Lead by example– be the person you want your children to be in struggle. Teach conflict resolution– if you must, learn about it yourself and model it. Make sure each child has a space of their own to retreat to- who doesn’t need time to themselves? Honor your children’s needs too. Arrange for a particular time alone with parents– kids thrive on special time with each parent. Celebrate their uniqueness and let them lead the way. Stay fair but equal based on age- the younger one has to understand that the older one has more privileges based on maturity/age. It’s not about fairness in certain instances. Listen, no REALLY listen- stop what you are doing and give 100% of your time and attention to the child in distress. Look them in the eyes! Even if they are wrong, they need to know you HEARD them too. Plan family activities together- when children see everyone getting along and playing fair together, you set the stage for their next rivalry. They will remember the good feelings they had when playing cards or at the park last time, helping to minimize the hard feelings. When they’ve put down someone, they need to give a positive attribute about that person-no one likes to get insulted, least of all a child. It’s hurtful at every age, and children need to hear that they are good too. Remember H.A.L.T. when determining the cause of conflict- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If any of these are happening, try to fix it first. Getting to the bottom of the feelings can diffuse a more significant problem. Older Children Tips It’s probably harder to watch or listen to your older children duke it out as they get beyond the 10-year-old stage. Worse is when they’re adults. The older they get, the better at hurting each other, purposeful or not. Maybe they’ve learned some fighting etiquette through childhood, but try taming the hormones of a preteen or teen. It can get ugly fast. Impulse control is not fixable until the mid-twenties. That’s a lot of years to help them tame their passions in the heat of the moment. Remember, as they get older, they have more alone time, and you may not be there to keep it civil. It’s ok, somehow all of my friends and their siblings are still alive today. Despite my angst of the sibling rivalry, they all learned to love each other at some point. While still using the tips above, incorporate a FAMILY MEETING! Start with a well thought out agenda. Have issues, concerns, interests, and events to discuss ready. Determine the priorities, clarify the problems with the most effective solutions, and how to implement the solutions. Depending on age and circumstances, try to incorporate one fun, family activity per week/month/quarter. If children are moved out but close enough, try to meet up somewhere or have a family dinner-game-movie, etc. after the meeting. Always discuss the meeting rules before getting started! Give each individual a chance to talk (not yell),
When Life Gives You Lemons
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. What if the lemons are rotten or too sour to make tasty lemonade? Or if you don’t have the stamina to process the instructions to create said lemonade? I entered my 40’s feeling young and vibrant, only to have the wind knocked out of my sails due to devastating life events. Follow along with the previous blogs to understand the whole story. Starting off this decade, I have a 3rd husband, seven children, a dying mother, and my 13-year-old becomes very ill. What appears to be a persistent cold turned into a sinus infection, which seems like no big deal at the time. With the strongest of antibiotics, my son continues to be ill and wakes up one morning with a swollen eye. The short end of the story is he was suffering from an epidural abscess. We stayed for two weeks in a children’s hospital while they tried to figure out what germ infiltrated his body and what the best course of action would be. It was scary. Not Enough of Me The day we were shuttled to Philadelphia, I was bringing my mom home from a month-long hospital stay. She was still battling many cancers, and this time culminated in her having her spleen removed. It was a very long month of ups and downs in her health. I honestly didn’t know if she would ever come home again. Keep in mind, I am an only child, and she is a widow X2. It was challenging to find someone to care for a very sick mom at home when I abruptly had to leave her and be by my sons’ bedside in Philly. My other children were also in need of supervision and feeling the stress of my absence. Primarily, they were caring for each other. My youngest was 20 months and still breastfeeding, so this wasn’t very easy. The oldest had already moved out, so it left my 17- & 16-year old to care for the 11, 4- & 20-month baby. The teens were homeschooling, so it didn’t affect their missing presence in a classroom. It was easy enough to catch up on studies once the order returned to our home. My husband went back and forth and brought the kids occasionally to stay with us at the Ronald McDonald House when possible. Thank God for the mom tribe I had established over the years. Friends that would drop everything to help out whenever available. They pitched in, brought meals, and shuttled kids when necessary. Are You Kidding? More Lemons While at my mother’s bedside and days before the trip in an ambulance with my very sick son, my oldest daughter informed me that she was tying the knot AND converting her religion-to Mormonism. She wasn’t announcing the wedding for next week, month, or year, she was getting hitched in a few days. I was dumbfounded as they had been together for only a few months, so I assume she is pregnant but later discovers she is not. I explain that I cannot be there and wish she would wait for a better time as well as honestly reconsider her religious choice. As any adult-ish child would do, she cannot hear me and proceeds to do what she set out to do, without any of her family in attendance. I had a hard time processing who came first in the pecking order of chaotic necessity. It was hard to make lemonade out of this series of events. I decided to be there for my son and mother while wishing my daughter well, from a distance. Staying in the Ronald McDonald house and praying, my son and mom will be ok was all I could handle at this time. Facetime wasn’t a thing in 2008, so any communication with my children or mother was via phone. I kept up with the goings-on back home as much as humanly possible, but it seemed everyone was going off the deep end. I was learning things that could’ve broken me to the core, including that my oldest was newly pregnant (unbeknownst to her at the wedding time). No Freaking Way; Can’t Make Lemonade My son spent his 14th birthday in St. Christopher’s Children’s Hospital and eventually came home with a PICC line and nurse visits throughout the summer. He continued to have sinus infections and later needed more surgery, but overall did recover well. In the fall that same year, that same son, the extreme sports kid, decided to jump off a trampoline with a snowboard on his feet into a pile of leaves, while my 5-year-old watched. I’m sure I don’t need to paint much of a picture of the outcome. Two broken elbows, a stay in the local hospital, and a chance for another surgery. I should’ve played the lottery that year! My gray hairs quadrupled, andI’m still in awe that I didn’t jump off a cliff. That same summer (3 months after their wedding), my newly pregnant oldest daughter and her new Mormon husband came on a camping trip with us, so we could get to know the new son in law. It was clear to me that the relationship was abusive, almost instantly. After a heart to heart with my pregnant offspring, she left him. While displacing a few kids to fit my oldest back home, her siblings create a room for their sister and nephew-to-be. Being a single mom wasn’t a terrible thing with a family like ours. None of us would let her and the baby suffer. Incidentally, the father of my first grandchild has never seen, cared for in any way, or inquired about his child. Maybe listening to your parents has some merit! Losing a Parent is Like Nothing Else Entering my 40’s caring for a very sick mother and many children under 20 was another hell to go through. We all know our parents are going to die someday, but it always seems so far off. There is little thought
