A Time for Reflection
My thirties were a time for reflection. Learning about oneself can be quite eye-opening. Follow my journey to understand all of me. Some parts are so ingrained it may take a complete remodel. Many good and bad things came to pass. It was the first time I experienced a close family member die (my husbands’ grandmother and I were very close). I also learned my mom and stepfather had cancer. It was also the first time I was not pregnant or nursing in 10 years. As well as the beginning of a new millennium, and I started to “find” myself. My thirties were the flowering of who I am. The child in me was finally growing up. Sort of! Evolving I stopped blaming my mother for my happiness and past; I was in the best shape ever, I ate the healthiest, had a large tribe of friends to share with and I was content in my style of parenting. Finding my way through my 20’s was busy and confusing at times, but my thirties were indeed a time of reflection. Seeing the world through adult eyes allowed me to practice alternative therapies, eat to live, homeschool my children, and attend births with many women. Everything in moderation, I assure you. We were just exploring outside the box. Finding our way in the world. The evolution of one’s soul is infinite, but this is a whole other story to tell! Grew Apart My business was busy; I was a core component to the birth and breastfeeding community, my kids were more self-sufficient, my eyes were wide open, and yet I was still lonely. My physical self was always full, but I was still missing a connection. With my husband. Mainly, I was a single mom in a married relationship. We loved each other, but as we “grew up,” we grew apart. He thought I was a “hippie,” and I felt he was married to a computer (in his defense, that’s what he does for a living). The wider my eyes became, the more crunch there was to me, and he and I weren’t seeing life on the same level anymore. Another time for reflection. My husband and I had been together a total of 13 years, married 11, when we decided to part ways. Our children were 5, 7, 10, 11 & my first was 14. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and I had been through hell before. Hell number 2 lasted a long time. Parenting in a Time of Reflection It was clear to anyone who knew me that my calling to motherhood was profound. Conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding were relatively easy, parenting came naturally, and I thrived at it. It’s hard to say “how” since I didn’t have any role models, but if you believe in a “destiny,” then this was surely it for me. I was certainly not perfect at it and had my ups and downs like any other mom, but my happy place was being a mother. Throw in a bitter divorce, and your core self is shaken. Protecting my children from the ugliness of a broken heart was indeed my new job 24/7. Guilt, blame, indiscretion, regret, remorse is all hideous to experience and witness. Even when you both agree to be amicable, there is bound to be unsightly baggage. Add another stressor on top, and you get a perfect storm. A Low Blow to Reflect on My mother got remarried after my 4th baby was born, and our relationship got stronger and stronger. We still had our differences, but we were in a much better place. Her husband didn’t have children, and he and my mom became an integral part of my children’s lives. So much so that shortly after baby number 5, they moved to Pennsylvania to be close to us. Unfortunately, it’s also the time that we found out both she and my stepdad had cancer. They were 51 and 54 at the time, had been married five years, and were enjoying a bit of traveling. It was a low blow for everyone since my stepdad only had six months to live. Incidentally, he lived for 18 months! Self Preservation This decade was rough but in a much more grown-up way. So many life-changing events were in extremes. Either very good and happy or horrible and sad. My stress level was at a new norm, and it just kept getting more intense. As you can imagine, I’m not a type-A personality, and I can roll with the punches of a life well. Still, the more I learned about myself, the harder the transition. It’s one thing to have self-preservation but an entirely different monster when you are helping your children and sick mother through rough times as well. New Relationship Around the same time, my stepfather died, I also formed another relationship. At first, we were friends who had a lot in common and reveled in a reciprocal relationship. It didn’t take long for us to bring our kinship to the romantic level and then kids and marriage. Finding out I was pregnant had brought about a mix of emotions. Don’t take that the wrong way, ALL my babies were always wanted, and a blessing. I couldn’t be happier on some level, but selfishly the timing was all wrong. I didn’t want to be the mother with three different baby daddies, nor was I entirely over my last marriage. Besides, I feared my older children would resent me, my new boyfriend, and or our children. Plus, I run a business and felt a sense of failing my community by setting a poor example. I was still trying to protect ALL my babies! We made it through, and I entered My 40’s exhausted!
Life’s Lessons
Life’s lessons from teenager to adult can become confusing. Single parenting is nothing to sneeze at, especially with an 8-month-old baby. Finding a job I could bring my baby to was not easy, but it worked itself out. I kept my medical assisting job on weekends when my ex had my daughter, but I didn’t trust anyone else to watch her except a few close friends. Even my mom, who lived 40 miles away, couldn’t help me out, so bringing my baby to work was a must. Co-parenting was not easy at all. There is this grieving process that everyone goes through when you end a relationship, and it can make for a bitter divorce. We tried hard to give my daughter the best of both worlds, but eventually, we both had another partner, and that changed the landscape. Moving Forward I met my new husband at the job I was working and tried to set him up with my best friend. Honestly, I wasn’t looking for a relationship; I was happy just being a mom. He and my friend didn’t hit it off that night, and I felt terrible, so I sat and talked to him instead. With a lot of coaxing over the next six months, I finally agreed to date him, and the rest was history. He was seven years older than me, so we didn’t waste time getting married and having four children together. I had a total of 5 children by the time I was 28, and he was 35. This was my dream family, right? Yes and no. Being a mom of 5 was what I wanted (yes, my husband did too), but I was still looking for a connection that I wasn’t going to find. We struggled with the balance between parenting and keeping our relationship together, as do most families! Not to mention the stress associated with being a stepparent and dealing with my ex and his new wife. I still needed to find the missing pieces in my life but didn’t know what they were. Around the same time, I started to teach childbirth and breastfeeding classes plus attend births as a doula. A lot of significant changes were happening to me. I loved being a full-time mother and part-time birth worker. My career was the ultimate dream for me, but mothering was my primary focus. My new husband had the “ideal” family in my eyes, and I fell in love with all of them. It was easy to soak up the love and attention his family gave to my children and me. Including replacing those missed connections, I yearned for due to my mother and father’s absence in my life. I temporarily felt a connection to something larger than myself. It was fulfilling, but deep inside, I still missed my own “family,” whatever that was. My mother was still dealing with her very sick husband, who died of brain cancer ten days after I delivered baby number 2. Her rocky relationship with him and his alcoholism took a significant toll on her and our relationship. Working through that didn’t come until mom was free to care for herself. Honestly, it took 20 years to mend our broken relationship. It was always a work in progress. Finding My Missing Parent After my 1st baby was born, I asked the Salvation Army to help me find my father (I was very resourceful). My mother never really gave me much information, except that he may have moved to Florida a long time ago, and I knew his full name. I could never understand why or how anyone could bring a child into this world and not want to know him or her. To my thinking, my father had to be pining for his long, lost daughter. Of course, throughout my childhood, I threatened my mom that I would find this “idol” (it was just the right phrase to get her attention at the time) and live with him happily ever after. Naturally, as any young girl would, I had put this “demigod” on a pedestal my whole life. It was hard to have my dreams shattered once we connected. Don’t get me wrong; I’m satisfied that I did seek him out and form a relationship of sorts. It was the right thing to do and exciting to get that call 2 ½ years later that the Salvation Army found him. As a young 23-year-old married twice with two kids who felt like she was years ahead of her time, meeting my father and his family was beyond my comprehension. That call was a dream come true. My father had remarried, had two young daughters and two teenage stepsons. It was initially exciting to find out I had sisters. They were only 4 and 6 years old, but it was nice to know I shared genetics with someone. I was so excited to meet these strangers that I never thought of the “what if “…what if he is a bad person, doesn’t love me, or we don’t get along. Since I’d always put him on a pedestal, it never crossed my mind that I might be disappointed. Learning Life’s Lessons I’ll spare you the details here, but the synopsis is that we flew to him in Florida and stayed a few days at their house for the first meeting. Mistake number 1! I Invited them to come to visit, ANYTIME, mistake number 2! Sure, you can stay at our house, mistake number 3! For three years, they had come to stay at our home every few months for weeks at a time without even a warning, an offer of money, food contribution, clean up, cook a meal, or help in any form. They sucked the life out of my husband and me, so much so that we disappeared when we moved. We did not leave a forwarding of anything. I have not been in touch with that family since. Nor has anyone ever
