Establishing Family Traditions
When considering establishing family traditions, examine the essence you are trying to bring out for the long haul. What do you want your little ones to gain from these rituals? How will your values affect the child as they grow-up? Our youngest (13) has recently admitted that she’s known about the lack of a Santa a few years now. We weren’t naive, we knew, but it was our last baby and hard to swallow the thought that Christmas would change forever. It is more fun to enjoy the looks of surprise on the little one’s faces throughout the holiday season, but now we can come clean about all the mishaps through the past celebrations and have a good laugh. My older adult kids have already passed on the tradition of lying to their children about the kind man who delivers presents every year, but most of the grandkids are far too young for a permanent memory of the traditions. Two of the six grandchildren are old enough to have expectations every year and notice when one thing is out of place. Their parents will have to decide how they want to establish family traditions that will work best for them. We don’t regret all the choices we’ve made raising them to have certain beliefs, but there are a few customs we might have done differently. None of my children were angry at us for lying about Santa or the other fictional characters (fairy godmother, Easter bunny, etc.), but it’s difficult to top the magic that comes when a child believes something cosmic will happen while they are sleeping. They grew up around families that didn’t believe in the same customs and had questions throughout their childhood, but assured me that they preferred the myth. Somehow they felt the other families were missing out on particular wizardry. Setting the Bar Setting the bar too high can become a debacle, though. It’s important to think it through once the kids are old enough to remember. We tend to be very impulsive those first years with holidays and birthdays being a big deal, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to carefully plan the activities. Think back to when you can recollect your first memory; what do you see? How old are you? Do you recall snippets or a full event? According to research, the earliest we can remember is 3 1/2 years old, but the lifelong memories-the ones that really matter- are recollected from about age 6. So that gives you 3-5 years to decide the best way to celebrate an occasion. It’s ok to go all out in the early years because the munchkin won’t remember all the details, but if they look back in pictures, it may backfire. Asking why they don’t have as many presents or certain pomp. With a myriad of traditions held in millions of households around the world, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is the right thing is for each family. Your upbringing will have a lot to do with the choices you make, but what if your partner grew up completely different? How will you combine your experiences and create the event to keep you both happy? If you grew up in a household that didn’t celebrate holidays or birthdays with any fanfare, then you have a blank slate to start with, use it wisely. The best part is that you can continually evolve with your children as you decide what is most important in your family. Christmas Family Traditions Since Christmas is around the corner, let’s look at some of the typical ways people establish family traditions during this time of year; Birth of Jesus Church functions Nativity Church Shopping excursions Decorate in and outside the house Work parties Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Father Christmas Chop down a tree to decorate Buy an artificial tree Elf on the Shelf Gingerbread house Cookie exchange Holiday party Gift-giving Secret Santa Gift receiving Donate gifts to children Volunteer at a soup kitchen Christmas plays Advent Calendar Christmas shows/movies Christmas music Wreath Ugly sweaters Milk and cookies for Santa Reindeer food Christmas books Caroling Mistletoe Eggnog Poinsettias Holly/Ivy Yule Log Star of Bethlehem Pictures with Santa Visit family or friends Teacher gifts Friend gifts Christmas lights Cook a special meal As you can see, these activities can be pricey and time-consuming, putting a lot of stress on the parents. None of these are “musts,” but it’s hard in a world of commercialism not to feel the pressure to do most or all of these shenanigans. Even throwing a birthday party can break the bank and mental capacity for some parents. Even though it is wrong to compare your family to others, kids and adults will do it anyway. Adding even more pressure to the overly exhausting celebrations. “Why did Susie put up her tree on Thanksgiving, or why is it 10′ tall, or look how many gifts they have, or why don’t we decorate the front of the house?” Most children won’t remember every detail of every Christmas (or birthday), but they will remember how it felt around the holidays. What mood was in the air? How the house smelled? Were his parents fighting, stressed, happy, singing, or a grinch? They’ll possibly remember a favorite toy or activity they received or did for at least a few years. One thing is for sure; kids will have certain expectations each year. If you set up a tree every December 1, be prepared to continue that tradition. If each child opens ten presents on Christmas morning, don’t disappoint this year. It’s not that you can’t change your rituals, it’s more about what precedence we set and how we can make subtle changes without them noticing. Traditions Must Go On Those formidable years that memories formed will force parents into continuing those Christmas habits even when they aren’t up to the task. What if there was a death, divorce, illness, or job loss around this time of year? The children don’t
The most memorable gift I ever received wasn’t something I could hold in my hands
The most memorable gift I ever received wasn’t something I could hold in my hands, it was the gift of togetherness. The time someone puts into the gift and the love that is sent with the message. Memories are remembered when gifting and it doesn’t have to be at certain times of the year either. As parents, we are always trying to make memories with our young, whether on purpose or by coincidence. These memories can be in the form of places we take our offspring, books we read to them or routines we’ve instilled in them, daily. The most remembered memories are usually the spontaneous ones. Remember when you found your family belly laughing over something? Or the time everyone got along on a trip to the beach and you dug holes or built castles? We spend most of our early parenting years finding things to teach our children, life’s lessons that we wish to instill. Our goals, in a nutshell, are to have blueprinted enough important qualities in our kiddos, so they won’t grow up to be ungrateful assholes while also teaching them how to be a productive part of society. We can start by teaching them the art of giving and receiving graciously. Let’s face it, do you remember the sweater aunt Betsy gave you 2 years ago? How about the toys you received as a child? Maybe there were a few that stand out, but most things we’ve received over the years didn’t have much of an impact unless it had special quality or memory associated. Some of those memories were of the time you traveled to see aunt Betsy or the games you played while opening the presents but not the actual item that was given. The most memorable gifts: For the tangible items, I remember tickets I received to a Broadway show as a teen (it was my first), a special statue of a mom and baby that my mother gave me when I turned 30 (she was beginning to understand who I was), concert tickets to Michael Jackson (my first concert and 4th row seats) and a Disney trip my parents put together as my step-fathers dying wish. Those memories are special and made an impact but the ones I hold closest to my heart are the gifts of time. When my mom took the time out of her busy life to sit down and spend time playing with me it was like winning the lottery. We played crazy 8’s and monopoly on these rare occasions, which may seem like nothing to you, but to me were the whole world. I’m convinced if she didn’t have any solid gift to hand me on Christmas but instead played a game or gave her undivided attention, I would have been over the top!! Sure, I can recall the beautiful art my children made for me and those adorable handwritten coupons for a free massage or to clean. Not to mention, the special things my children have said to me over the years (even when they didn’t have a birthday gift), the failed breakfast in bed or those written messages in a card that have stuck in my heart forever. All those events I can recall because the people who gave them to me really thought about ME and gave their time!! It’s heartfelt to know someone cares enough to think about what you want, need or enjoy in life. Gift-giving can be the language of love when done appropriately. As a mother and grandmother, I feel the importance of sharing in the extraordinary lives of these mini Me’s. Will it make a 3-year-old excited to open the coveted toy of the year-YES but only for a few minutes, hours maybe days? I want my remaining years spent on this planet giving from the heart. For memories to be remembered I must go the next step and share in the delight of time together doing things we enjoy! No, I am not going to kick the bucket anytime soon but I would like the rest of my time on earth to matter more than it has the first 50 years. Let’s look at a few creative ways to give a gift that someone will remember. It may not always be tangible at the time but when it happens, it will be remembered. Tickets or membership Amusement parks Snow trails Zoo Aquarium Museum Show Concert Movies Gym Sports event Horseback riding Swim with dolphins (who doesn’t have that on their list) Hot air balloon ride Classes for a variety of things-cooking, sewing, art, etc. Camping Boating Lake Beach Sky diving Massage Audible books Trampoline park Car wash Stock Bus, train, plane ticket Music, art lessons Rosetta stone Google membership Digital subscriptions Game subscriptions Apple membership Hotel Camping Vacation Free ways to make memories Babysit for someone to have a dinner date. Take someone’s kids for a weekend. Hiking or biking with your friend. Scavenger hunt for family or group of friends. Make a playlist that represents who they are. Personalize a video or pictures for someone. Mountain climb with your best friend. Volunteer for a cause your friend or family member would love. Better yet, do it together. Take a shut-in or elderly person out for lunch, hair appointment, etc. Make something for someone. Use your talents to do something for another. Make a special coupon book with some of these ideas. Give of your time to do whatever they would like. Detail someone’s car. A heartfelt card, message or letter. Read to someone who may not be able to. Other ways to give a memorable gift: Take someone on a shopping spree and have lunch. Make a themed basket of supplies to their favorite place (beach, casino, camping). Create a mystery box with whatever you can think of that reminds you of that person. Donate something in their name for a cause they are passionate about. Gift cards New games for game night While some
7 Steps to Navigate the Holidays with a Baby
Seven steps to navigate the holidays with a baby can be your life preserver during such a stressful time. Share these tips with your partner and get a head start on your planning. Birth is one of those times that an instruction manual would come in handy. Each human spirit is so individual that the need for a unique set of guidelines at any birth could prove advantageous, for the rest of their life. No two beings are the same, and parenting them as such could improve the outcome for both mom & baby. Since our mothering instincts guide us and a lot of trial and error, I thought you might appreciate a few tips on a subject rarely intuitive or discussed. Special Occasion Tips How to navigate holidays, parties, celebrations, vacations, and any occasion that may take you and your baby away from your everyday norm can be confusing at times. Most families would go about the event as usual and deal with issues as they come up, not realizing they could’ve avoided some pitfalls. Get help; If you are in the first weeks (<12 weeks) postpartum and there is an occasion you are hosting, please enlist all those beautiful people in your life who are begging to lend a hand in some capacity. Be humble. Being a supermom is a curse, not a blessing. If you have a hard time letting go due to perfection issues, lower the bar just this once. Learn to “go with the flow” and be grateful for their efforts. There is scientific proof that your body needs to do nothing but rest, recuperate and feed your baby for a minimum of 6 weeks. Everything else will fall into place as it should. Early: The earlier you reach out for assistance during this event, the easier it will be for everyone. If you’re aware of the activity before birth, do some of the preparations ahead of time. Even meals can be cooked and frozen. If you fail to take my advice and do too much, you will feel the ill effects and have regret. Also, beware of going to any events in those first weeks as well. If you can decline the invitation, do so. Maybe you could skype or FaceTime to be part of more important activities. The people who care about you most will understand the importance of your recuperation and fear of germs with a newborn. If you are >three months postpartum, you still have every right to take it easy. The exhaustion and demands of the baby take up a good chunk of your life, and you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Let’s face it, babies can’t help themselves and need you 24/7, and the life events we are asked to be part of or plan will never take precedence. As exciting as it may be to get out and about with family and friends, reconsider when feelings of drudgery creep up. Nothing can be vital enough to cause you constant worry in your first year as a new mom or even a seasoned mom. Learning to care for another person can be so time-consuming that you can’t afford to risk the stress. Remember, stress equals a lowered immune system, which creates illness. You are most crucial to your family and need to stay healthy. Wearing your baby in a crowd will help lessen the germs and prevent well-meaning individuals from touching your little munchkin. If you must share, remind the family to wash or give them a squirt of hand sanitizer. Be especially active in your convictions around flu season, as many people can wake up sick the next day. You can also insist that he needs to eat often and take frequent breaks to avoid germs. Sometimes the baby may enjoy being passed from one relative to another. Even though he may be seemingly content, continue to feed him periodically. If you wait for him to tell you he’s hungry, you may have to deal with a complete meltdown and engorged breasts. He may be distracted one minute and ravenous the next. Engorged breasts can lead to plugged ducts and possibly mastitis, which can lower milk supply, which can create problems that last. Not worth it. On the other hand, you may have a fussier baby on these occasions. Keep in mind all personalities are different, and some babies may feel stressed in these circumstances. It’s best if you’ve prepared yourself to feed in public (practice in front of a mirror) and potentially in the presence of naysayers. He will settle best by continuing to feed frequently and hold or wear him. Someone undoubtedly will ask you if “he’s getting enough” or “when are you going to stop breastfeeding?” or worse yet, “would you like me to feed him a bottle?” Have a few comebacks ready or learn to steer clear of those people. Don’t let ignorant comments bring down your confidence. Do what’s best for you and your family. If you need to travel long distances, plan outside the box. By car, it’s best to visit when the baby sleeps most, even if it’s the middle of the night, and frequently stop when awake. By plane, take nonstop flights, breastfeed during take-off and landing, travel when the baby is sleepiest and pick seats next to a window or 1st class. Keep long-distance traveling to a minimum during those first years. It’s not for everyone. The steps to navigating holidays with a baby can be perfected with enough support and planning. There’s much to consider when pondering a holiday get together or vacation. Prior planning can help prevent catastrophes or lessen the discomfort. Be picky about taking on too much, and don’t let anyone bully you if you’re not up to it. If you find yourself with breastfeeding concerns after an event, be sure to reach out for help right away to get back on track. Happy Parenting!
Teaching the Art of Giving
When children are very young, teaching the art of giving is hard for most to conceptualize. Since birth, they have been the focus of many gifts, and very little is expected of them, rightfully so. Some children will naturally have the personality to be a giver, sometimes too much, but the other personality types may need more convincing. It’s hard to grow up watching the commercialism surrounding holiday seasons (and made up holidays). Everywhere children go, there is a message of receiving a present for whatever time of year it is. I mean Christmas alone starts in July- Seriously, I went to the boardwalk in August hoping to spend a lovely weekend soaking up the end of summer (I’m in NEPA) but instead was hit with Halloween and Christmas- EVERYWHERE! So how can we teach kids of all ages to filter out the fictitious commercialism holiday bull and instead teach them generosity? I suppose we should explore our hearts first. What type of parenting did we have surrounding gift-giving and receiving? How do we model to our children? What messages do we send our offspring? How much gratitude do we show from everyone? Think about times you may have complained to your partner, friend, parents about a gift you received, what message did your little one take away from that conversation? They are always listening and learning from us. By teaching the art of giving start by showing children a few essential pointers: Give secretly– make a batch of cookies and leave on a neighbors’ doorstep, anonymously pay a bill for someone, clean a yard when they are not home, do a project for them, or send a food delivery over. Sacrifice– Show the littles how to give away something they love: time, items, money, etc. Even a young child can wrap up their beloved toy and give it to a friend. Give to those underserving– we all know people that we feel are not deserving of anything. Maybe they take advantage of people or have a lot of material things already; either way, you can teach these types about the art of giving. It doesn’t have to be much; card, time, handmade item, etc. Give to your enemies- having enemies is not suitable for your soul. You carry this baggage with you all the time, and it gains you nothing. Teaching children to forgive their enemies by giving a gift to yours can help them learn a valuable lesson. Besides, maybe your enemy will become your friend, and your heart will be lighter. If we teach children that giving is about love and appreciation, we will help them gain psychological benefits and strengthen bonds. You can even teach toddlers the art of giving when done appropriately. Follow these simple tips: Make it a team effort-it’s more fun and productive when the whole family chips in for something. Even if it is volunteering at a church function, making a meal, or cleaning a yard. Give small tasks, based on age to each child- chores, decorate for someone, pet care, etc. Always lead by example– monkey see, monkey do. Volunteer– nursing homes, homeless, sick, physical therapy; whatever your cause is, do it together. Do it all the time– however, you decide to give, show your children that you care all the time. No, not every day, but frequently throughout the year in a variety of ways. For example, clean the park, donate clothes to the poor, bring canned food to a food kitchen, teach Sunday school at your church, get involved in PTA, etc. Simple, easy lessons. Count your blessings– teach them family traditions, stories, poems, lessons, etc. Use your imagination– get creative. There is no right or wrong way to give. Just show them you care about more than yourself. Make it fun– if the littles are not enjoying the giving, then you’ve lost the message. They need to feel good about what they are doing for it to be effective. Give them a choice- indeed, you can narrow the choices down but allow them to be part of the process. Say something like, “what would you like to do for aunt Kate on her birthday; make a cake-clean the yard-draw a picture or write a poem?” Teach them to understand the difference between need and want- certainly everyone has both, but some people don’t have someone tending to their needs and may benefit from a toothbrush, clean clothes or new shoes. Show them that buying a homeless person’s essential hygiene items is appreciated by that person. Let them see the impact they make- if you decide to work as a family in a soup kitchen, the children will see what gratitude is. If they make a scarf for their neighbor and leave it anonymously, someday they may see her wearing it. However, they can witness the impact, the more significant psychological difference it will make. Other ways you can teach the art of giving: Teach about sustainable development goals and how to help the earth. Everyone benefits! Have a child teach another child how to read, write, art, cursive, math, play a sport, etc. Pet care for someone. Send cards to the military. Get involved in Operation Christmas Child, or something like it. Adopt a park, street, area to keep clean. There is a myriad of ways to teach children about the art of giving without spending a dime, but if you choose to buy gifts, show them some financial sense based on their age: Budgeting: Be sure to talk about ways to earn money- chores, odd jobs, babysit, work, etc. How much money do they have? How much will they make? From where and by what deadline? How much will they spend on each gift? List of who and what they want to buy: Make sure they honor the wishes people have (within reason). Those that don’t want anything may have a good cause, and those that ask for a specific item may have a need. How many people are they getting
