Finding Your Parenting Style
Have you been unsuccessful at finding your parenting style? Are you concerned about the Best or Right way to parent your baby, child, or children? Are you struggling with discipline? Do you take a particular approach to mother or fathering and have a bad feeling? Do you force yourself to follow the parenting fad of the times (sleep training, time outs, cell phone rules, etc.)? These questions and many more are a fact of life as parents. From hour to hour, day to day, and child to child, we are forever skeptical in our parenting decisions. At one time or another, we’ve challenged, argued & possibly defended many other parents, including our own to unravel the complex befuddlement that having children bring. Matter of fact, since the techno era, half our time is spent measuring parenting styles against most people on social media. While it is not recommended to compare yourself to others, this is the way the world works nowadays, and we must find ways to survive. Handbook is Missing Let’s face it; babies are not born with a handbook highlighting each phase of his or her life. We are “winging it” from the inception! If you’ve ever run a business or had employees, you know parenting is similar, except there are no HARD RULES! You can’t count on one day being the same as the next because children change (and quite frankly, so do parents). The only HARD FACT is to be flexible and to have a sense of humor. From early in infancy throughout adulthood, no period is stress-less, worry-less, or effortless. Although when you are in the “rough spots,” other phases look more appealing. See if these examples ring a bell: A new mom can’t wait for the newborn to get older so she can get more sleep. The toddler dad is longing for the time his 3-year-old doesn’t change her mind about food (or anything) every 5 minutes. The school-age family that struggles with a learning disability. The preteen that is always angry or in her room. The teen that is now driving or hanging out with a poor choice of friends. The young adult in college potentially making wrong choices. The adult child that is getting married or having a baby at a tender age. The adult leaving a good job or getting a divorce. Let’s not forget the threat of dealing with mental health or addiction problems in this generation. Yes, some periods are calmer and gentler on the family, but as I mentioned before, parenthood is always evolving, and parents need to be on their toes 24/7. All I Ever Need to Know Sure, there are guidelines for parenting that involve morals and ethics, but everything else is a mixture of nature (genetics) and nurture (upbringing) with a dash of guesswork. Basically, if we break down Robert Fulghum’s “All I Ever Need to Know” and teach our kids with those lessons, then we’ve nailed it! In basic psychology, parenting styles have been broken down into four main groups, with a lot of spawns. After extensive research, raising seven children and supporting families for 30 years, my theory is that we use all four styles in varied ways at different times with different children and various obstacles at one time or another. It’s not to suggest that everyone does or should; I’m merely pointing out that we are not perfect-EVER, which leaves us using a style that may or may not have been the best. For instance, I was the pregnant first-time mom in McDonald’s on my lunch break watching another mom feed her kids, and I vowed that I “would never” let my kids eat fast food. Yes, I was stupid enough that I never made the connection I was ALREADY feeding my unborn baby this junk! Not to mention that I have succumbed to junk food with my kiddos many times since. Some excursions were strictly to unwind at the play place or ball pit because I needed a free distraction, but they usually weaseled a happy meal out of me anyway. Right or wrong, I don’t know. I know that we all had a better day when the kids were entertained, having fun, and worn out. Win-win! Test Your Parenting Style FOR FUN: See which style of parenting you think you are and guess again (shhhh don’t tell anyone)! Try asking someone else to read through and judge your technique. Then do it for another person. Don’t forget to share and exchange with your parents and partner as well. Make a promise NOT to let it cause an argument. Most likely, you will see yourself mainly in one category but keep an open mind for the other types. AUTHORITATIVE-warm and responsive with clear rules, accepting, high expectations, positive discipline, earn respect (not demand), supportive, and values independence. Practices hugging, saying I love you, cheering and smiling but expects the child to toe the rope (so to speak). UN-INVOLVED-neglectful, cold, unresponsive, make few demands on the child and can be indifferent. Ignores the child’s needs, wants, or presence in some cases. May not know what is going on in a child’s life with friends, school, dating, etc. PERMISSIVE-has the least rules or demands, indulgent, high responsiveness, warm, and lenient. May allow the child to get away with wrongdoing at school or home. Tries to give everything he or she wants. AUTHORITARIAN– Has high demands, low responsiveness, punishes harshly with little feedback, can be unresponsive, and expects blind obedience. Usually doesn’t listen to the child for his/her reason or argument, wants him to get it done. We’ve all heard the new generation terms for parenting as well: HELICOPTER– overly involved, smothering, hovering, lawnmower, constant interaction or interference, controlling, enmeshed, overprotecting, and over parenting. INSTINCTIVE-old school method of using your gut, intuition, and personal style combined. ATTACHMENT-strong emotional bond, the belief that children should be “attached” at the hip to feel secure enough to be independent someday. TOUGH LOVE– primarily used for troubled, rebellious, or addicted
The most memorable gift I ever received wasn’t something I could hold in my hands
The most memorable gift I ever received wasn’t something I could hold in my hands, it was the gift of togetherness. The time someone puts into the gift and the love that is sent with the message. Memories are remembered when gifting and it doesn’t have to be at certain times of the year either. As parents, we are always trying to make memories with our young, whether on purpose or by coincidence. These memories can be in the form of places we take our offspring, books we read to them or routines we’ve instilled in them, daily. The most remembered memories are usually the spontaneous ones. Remember when you found your family belly laughing over something? Or the time everyone got along on a trip to the beach and you dug holes or built castles? We spend most of our early parenting years finding things to teach our children, life’s lessons that we wish to instill. Our goals, in a nutshell, are to have blueprinted enough important qualities in our kiddos, so they won’t grow up to be ungrateful assholes while also teaching them how to be a productive part of society. We can start by teaching them the art of giving and receiving graciously. Let’s face it, do you remember the sweater aunt Betsy gave you 2 years ago? How about the toys you received as a child? Maybe there were a few that stand out, but most things we’ve received over the years didn’t have much of an impact unless it had special quality or memory associated. Some of those memories were of the time you traveled to see aunt Betsy or the games you played while opening the presents but not the actual item that was given. The most memorable gifts: For the tangible items, I remember tickets I received to a Broadway show as a teen (it was my first), a special statue of a mom and baby that my mother gave me when I turned 30 (she was beginning to understand who I was), concert tickets to Michael Jackson (my first concert and 4th row seats) and a Disney trip my parents put together as my step-fathers dying wish. Those memories are special and made an impact but the ones I hold closest to my heart are the gifts of time. When my mom took the time out of her busy life to sit down and spend time playing with me it was like winning the lottery. We played crazy 8’s and monopoly on these rare occasions, which may seem like nothing to you, but to me were the whole world. I’m convinced if she didn’t have any solid gift to hand me on Christmas but instead played a game or gave her undivided attention, I would have been over the top!! Sure, I can recall the beautiful art my children made for me and those adorable handwritten coupons for a free massage or to clean. Not to mention, the special things my children have said to me over the years (even when they didn’t have a birthday gift), the failed breakfast in bed or those written messages in a card that have stuck in my heart forever. All those events I can recall because the people who gave them to me really thought about ME and gave their time!! It’s heartfelt to know someone cares enough to think about what you want, need or enjoy in life. Gift-giving can be the language of love when done appropriately. As a mother and grandmother, I feel the importance of sharing in the extraordinary lives of these mini Me’s. Will it make a 3-year-old excited to open the coveted toy of the year-YES but only for a few minutes, hours maybe days? I want my remaining years spent on this planet giving from the heart. For memories to be remembered I must go the next step and share in the delight of time together doing things we enjoy! No, I am not going to kick the bucket anytime soon but I would like the rest of my time on earth to matter more than it has the first 50 years. Let’s look at a few creative ways to give a gift that someone will remember. It may not always be tangible at the time but when it happens, it will be remembered. Tickets or membership Amusement parks Snow trails Zoo Aquarium Museum Show Concert Movies Gym Sports event Horseback riding Swim with dolphins (who doesn’t have that on their list) Hot air balloon ride Classes for a variety of things-cooking, sewing, art, etc. Camping Boating Lake Beach Sky diving Massage Audible books Trampoline park Car wash Stock Bus, train, plane ticket Music, art lessons Rosetta stone Google membership Digital subscriptions Game subscriptions Apple membership Hotel Camping Vacation Free ways to make memories Babysit for someone to have a dinner date. Take someone’s kids for a weekend. Hiking or biking with your friend. Scavenger hunt for family or group of friends. Make a playlist that represents who they are. Personalize a video or pictures for someone. Mountain climb with your best friend. Volunteer for a cause your friend or family member would love. Better yet, do it together. Take a shut-in or elderly person out for lunch, hair appointment, etc. Make something for someone. Use your talents to do something for another. Make a special coupon book with some of these ideas. Give of your time to do whatever they would like. Detail someone’s car. A heartfelt card, message or letter. Read to someone who may not be able to. Other ways to give a memorable gift: Take someone on a shopping spree and have lunch. Make a themed basket of supplies to their favorite place (beach, casino, camping). Create a mystery box with whatever you can think of that reminds you of that person. Donate something in their name for a cause they are passionate about. Gift cards New games for game night While some
What you need to know if you’re trying to get pregnant
What you need to know if you’re trying to get pregnant and may have fertility questions. *By definition “fertility is the natural capability to produce offspring.” FERTILITY: Such a beautiful word! The image one might conjure up in his or her mind is of something lavish. After all, some of the synonyms associated with this word could be: abundant, arable, fruitful, lush, productive and rich. All of which bring allurement to consciousness. Close your eyes and try imagery with this word. Impossible to think of anything gloomy. Now try this exercise in relation to humans and conception. First thoughts may have been a beautiful, perfect, angelic baby or some of you may have given in to thoughts of the activities involved in producing this angel. Both are pleasing symbolisms. It’s assumed throughout a woman’s childhood that she will be able to reproduce someday. She likely spends a lot of time dreaming of what her children will look like in the future. Maybe she’s even explored her ancestry and or that of her love, fantasy partner. Even men presume his sperm will do what’s needed to bring life into this world. Neither male nor female child will have reason to consider the unthinkable: INFERTILITY. Unless a person is told otherwise, there really is no argument to contemplate a different outcome. Innocence is bliss. Infertility *By definition “the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive through unprotected intercourse.” The word “infertile” conjures up somber thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy, impotence or sterility may come to the heart, even when the word does not pertain to you. There is likely nothing anyone can say or do to help alleviate those grim feelings when you are the couple given that diagnosis. Statistically speaking, approximately 6.1 million or 10% of couples between the ages of 15 and 44 will encounter this conversation with their caregiver. A third of the issues are female, a third are male and the final third is a combination of the two. With the right support and knowledge more than ¾ of those families will go on to give birth to their own offspring. Let’s start at the beginning: A Love Story Egg= Maiden Sperm= Knight in Shining Armor Approximately every month an egg (maiden) will mature and be released from the ovary and travel into the fallopian tube to wait for her “knight in shining armor” (sperm). After ejaculation takes place inside the vagina, it’s a race to the “maiden”. A true “fight to the finish”. The vagina is a potentially hostile environment and can kill off weaker “knights” by the millions. This acidic territory is prepared to fight off invaders to prevent infections. Only the strong “knights” will make it to the cervix where the habitat is hospitable. Once he makes it past the enemy territory, the “knights” have a long, arduous journey to find their “maiden.” Assuming she (egg) is waiting for him (sperm), the “knight” will have to keep up his stamina to enter the “maiden” before the other robust “knights” (sperm). If he (sperm) is strong enough to penetrate his love (egg), fireworks go off in the form of a blastocyst and they will multiply and divide millions of times. Together they will continue the journey into the lining of the uterus (and live happily ever after), which has thickened to prepare for this fertilization. Once implanted, you have officially achieved pregnancy. Incidentally, if the knight and his maiden (sperm & egg) don’t make it, the lining and blood will shed. This is called menstruation. Who knew there were love/war stories inside our bodies every month? Read on for basic facts to consider: Females: Each woman is born with millions of immature eggs that are awaiting ovulation to begin. Ovulation can be affected by stress, illness or disruption of normal routines. The health of the woman determines the health of her egg and the chances of a viable pregnancy. The egg can only live 12-24 hours after leaving the ovary. Normally, one egg is released each time. Implantation of a fertilized egg normally takes place 6-12 days after ovulation. Some women will experience pain or aching near the ovaries during ovulation called mittleschmerz or “middle pain”. Some women may experience light blood or spotting during ovulation. A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. If an egg is not fertilized, it disintegrates and is absorbed into the uterine lining. Males: A single sperm is tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Millions of sperm will be released with just one ejaculation. The health of the male determines the health of his sperm and chances of impregnation. If sperm hit the air, they die within minutes. Sperm must be strong and vibrant to make the journey. Sperm must stay energized to swim from one end of the womb to the other. Sperm must move in a forward-moving manner for success. Most sperm will not make it to the awaiting egg due to exhaustion. Some sperm look for their maiden (egg) in the wrong fallopian tube. Some sperm may have been neutralized by natural antibodies or hostile cervical fluids. Hundreds of sperm will compete to enter the outer layer of the egg and only one will win the prize. Putting all of this into perspective, keep in mind that there is a very small window of opportunity to have the Knight and his Maiden unite. Odds are low if you’re a betting person. Achieving pregnancy may take more than throwing away your condoms or birth control pills. If you are new to this, start simple: change your lifestyle to bring out the healthiest forms of you and your partner. It takes at least a cycle of 4 months to replenish egg and sperm. This should give you enough time to optimize their vitality and ensure the love story has a happy and healthy ending. Don’t forget
One Baby, Please, Hold the Sugar: A Birth Story
One baby, please, hold the sugar is my daughter’s birth story told from her perspective. These words are her own and don’t necessarily express my personal views or opinions. I welcome all women to share their birth stories! Please contact me if you’d like to publish your birth story on The Incomplete Guide to Parenting. If you are interested in my doula or lactation services, please visit my website Disclaimer: No artificial sweeteners here I’ve gone back and forth about putting my story out into the world. I never wanted to scare anyone, and so when asked, I would come up with a glossed over, toned down version of my story, the “polite” version. But I recently read a birth story that was such a blatant bunch of sugar-coated bull**** that I laughed out loud. I felt like it skirted over the gory details to maintain that polite, perfect facade. The thing is, those kinds of stories hurt me (and many others no doubt) because while I know they’re not honest, there’s a part of me that questions it. Was my experience so out of the ordinary? Why do all these women talk about their births like it was a beautiful dream come true while I still have nightmares about mine? I catch myself feeling resentful towards those moms, and that’s not fair of me either. But it’s how I feel, and I know I’m not the only one. This story is not one of rainbows and candy-coated truths. This story is real and raw, and if that’s not something you can or want to hear, I suggest you move along. I tell my story the way it is because I owe it to myself and to every other woman out there who wonders if she alone has suffered. I hope that others might find solace in knowing that they are not alone and that they might find the strength to talk about their own authentic experiences. Birth: Early Labor I went into labor on a quiet Saturday morning in October. It was 2 am when I awoke to mild contractions. I was five days past my due date and had been impatient for the last couple of weeks, so I eagerly began timing them and saw that they were about 10 minutes apart. I didn’t want to get my hopes up – I’d had Braxton Hicks a few times already. So I tried to relax and go back to sleep, but the contractions continued. Around 6 am, my husband stirred a bit beside me, so I took the opportunity to tell him that I believed labor had started. We were both well prepared for a long haul. I’ve watched and learned from my mom’s and sisters’ pregnancies and knew that, especially for first-time moms, labor could take a while to get going. So we went about our business as usual. I showered and made pancakes. I almost would have forgotten that I was in labor if I didn’t get a little twinge in my back every ten minutes. My mom – who’s also my doula and lactation consultant – had an event to go to that afternoon. She offered to skip it, but I waved her off. I’m sure nothing will happen before tonight at the earliest, I said. Oh, boy was I wrong. Birth: Active Labor It was so sudden. I was taking a bath. One minute I felt relaxed, and the next, my body was just in agony. Contractions – real contractions, not those mild early labor contractions – feel white-hot and twisted, like someone’s wringing your organs as you burn from the inside out. I was crying, and I grabbed my phone to text my husband to come be with me. He timed my next few contractions, and we realized they were 2-4 minutes apart. I was so prepared for a drawn-out labor, but here I was only 10 hours from the first contraction and suddenly in active labor. The shock of it all had me feeling whiplashed. It was barely noon. Should we be going to the hospital? It didn’t seem logical. We called my mom so she could drive with us. She reminded me that I could be expected to labor outside the hospital if I wasn’t dilated enough to be admitted. I hesitated, but at this point, I was barely speaking and was spending a lot of time doubled over crying, so we went. “Contractions feel white-hot and twisted, like someone’s wringing your organs as you burn from the inside out.” The 40-minute drive to the hospital was not pleasant. My contractions were now just one minute apart, lasting for a minute or less. I contracted approximately 20 times in the back seat of a small sedan, crying into my husband’s shoulders while my mom rubbed my back. Being in labor anywhere sucks, but it somehow sucks even worse when you’re confined to a small space. When we finally got there, I was desperate to get in the tub as I had planned for a water birth. I didn’t want an epidural, so being in the water was crucial for me. And what a world of a difference it made. I was still contracting hard and fast, but it was so much more manageable. Birth: Transition My midwife met us upon arrival. She’d watched me through a contraction and admitted me but didn’t check to see how dilated I was. After laboring in the tub a bit, I wanted to know what kind of progress we were making, if any, so I asked her to check me. I was 9.5 centimeters dilated, and the baby was in the -1 station. I was shocked. It was about 1:30 pm. I’d been in active labor for less than 2 hours. I started to feel hopeful that our baby would be born quickly. (Haha that didn’t happen) My water had yet to break, and I was impatient, so I eventually asked my midwife to break
