Sleep-a hot topic in the world of parenting. Especially those with a new baby in the first years. Newborns are exhausting and require much of our physical self, but older babies and children are an emotional drain. Everything is compounded by the fact that every human is different and requires a new parenting strategy-what worked for Adam Is not necessarily going to work for Aubrey. Throw in the millions of parents offering advice on social media, and you’ve got a total collapse of the “mothering instinct.”
Let’s explore what sleep means first: but wait, there is a different answer for everyone! Talk to your adult friends, family, and co-workers; ask how many hours they sleep per night, what time they go to bed and wake up if they get up throughout the night, whether they have children and their ages and if they sleep with someone else or alone in the bed. I did just that with five women and five men under 45 and here are my crude results:
- The majority of adults sleep with someone (9 out of 10).
- Most wake up to use the restroom in the night (8 out of 10).
- All of them had children under 8.
- Six go to sleep around 11 pm, one goes to sleep at 9 pm, 3 have trouble falling asleep, but start trying at 10/11 pm (actual rest may be as late as 2 am).
- Eight will wake up to go to work around 6-7 am, one wakes at 4 am for work, and one wakes according to the baby (8-9 am) but doesn’t have to leave the house for work.
- One mom sleeps 8 hours per night without interruption, one dad sleeps in 3-hour intervals (without a child waking him), one mom has an infant waking her every 2-3 hours, one dad has the night shift with the 16-month-old and goes to sleep at 1 am but sleeps until 6, 2 moms get up once per night with their preschool/school-age child, three dads sleep 7 hours uninterrupted every night, one mom sleeps 9 hours per night, but semi wakes a few times with toddler who co-sleeps.
The Results
I will add that all of the nine who sleep in a bed with someone, will not sleep well if that someone is not home. Fear of burglars, fire, emergency, and noises keep them awake. None of them felt like they were always exhausted, but the newest mom with the infant was more tired than the rest. Rightfully so!
In summary, very few had the same sleep schedule, and all had their way of coping. Now imagine a new human who is learning life outside the womb. We say the first months as a new parent is the most exhausting, but what about an illness, teething, meeting new milestones, a change in schedule, hunger, night terrors, filling a diaper, or just plain lonely? I’m quite sure we’ve had rough nights of sleep as adults for one reason or another. I’m also confident that sleep cycles vary from person to person, as well as different phases in our lives. So we absolutely can’t compare Adam to Aubrey. Creating sleep-a hot topic!
Questions I’m Asked Daily
- Should I wake my baby to eat?
- How can I get my newborn to sleep more? Or through the night?
- How long are newborns confused about night time and day time?
- How long can I let my newborn sleep?
- When will my baby start sleeping through the night regularly?
- Can I sleep train a newborn baby? 2, 3,4,5,6 m etc. Which program should I use?
- Can I put the baby on a schedule? When should I put the baby on a program?
- When is it appropriate to sleep train?
- Do I have to sleep train? Should I?
- Will my baby learn to sleep without sleep training?
- How long does sleep training take?
- How many minutes/hours of crying is safe when sleep training?
- What if sleep training doesn’t work?
- I just did a month of sleep training, and my baby is finally sleeping 9-12 hours per night! Can you help me get my milk back?
- My baby used to sleep 6+ hours per night, and now she is only sleeping 2-4.
- When will my baby sleep without waking five times per night? Or all night?
- When will my baby stop nursing through the night?
- My baby won’t sleep without me or someone holding her?
- My baby won’t sleep in her crib.
- Is co-sleeping safe? Ok? Good? Bad?
- Should I allow my baby to nurse to sleep?
- How can I get my baby to sleep without breastfeeding?
- My baby used to sleep through the night without breastfeeding, and now she is waking to eat more.
- Ever since I went back to work, my baby won’t sleep at night?
- What is the norm for a baby under 2 to sleep through the night?
- Help-My baby is turning one next week, and she is acting like a newborn. Needy, sleeping less and eating more.
- Ever since I had my baby, my toddler is waking up and won’t self soothe.
- My baby is not on a sleep or feeding schedule; should I be concerned?
- Ever since we went away, my baby won’t sleep anymore.
- My baby will sleep for my sitter, but not for me.
- How can I get my baby to nap?
- My baby is only taking one nap per day; how can I get more?
- I can’t put my baby down for nap time — only bedtime.
- Should I be concerned that my baby doesn’t require much sleep?
- My partner and I are fighting over sleep training.
- I’m sleeping in the baby’s room now, so my partner can get sleep and go to work.
- Should I keep my baby in my room to sleep or put her in her crib?
- Am I spoiling my baby if I let her fall asleep on me? Nurse to sleep? Sleep in my room? Pick her up when she cries? Go to her when she cries? Sleep with her?
- How old is too old to co-sleep?
- The list goes on and on!
Sleep and My Hot Topic
My first baby was a nightmare sleeper in the early months due to colic, but when she was 4-5 months old started sleeping 8 pm-8 am every night with 2 two hour naps per day. She was a dream child! Rarely did her circadian rhythm shift, unless she was sick, had stress or night terrors. Occasionally we would find her in our bed in the middle of the night, even when she was 6, 7, 8 years old. Typically, due to a bad dream or a related stressor in her life. If she couldn’t fit in the bed, she had a blanket and pillow on the floor. We never shut her out. Yes, it was annoying at times, but we understood and accepted that she was human and not going to sleep as perfect as we’d like.
Baby number 2 was so much different. In the early months, she slept well; by six months, she would not sleep any length of time at night. Even without social media, I was getting so much pressure to have her on a schedule. Friends-family and physician, all suggested I try to Feberize her at nine months old. One of my biggest parenting fails! For one week, I sat outside of her room every night while she cried, and I cried. Every fiber of my being was screaming that this was the wrong way to teach my daughter self soothing. Unfortunately, I let the voice of well-meaning people keep me going at it longer than I should’ve. Following Dr. Feber’s advice to the tee, she wouldn’t let up. Matter of fact, it was getting worse, not better. By day 9, I threw in the towel and decided to parent her my way, regardless of the backlash from those who believed I had failed. I often wonder what damage I may have done to her psyche, even to this day.
Over the years, I attended many conferences and training regarding newborns, children, feeding, birth, sleep, etc. This one speaker Dr. James McKenna stuck with me for the past 25 years. I still refer to him today for a lot of my sleep-deprived families. His approach, research, and parenting philosophy proved what I was feeling the nights I tried the Feber method. He is the leading expert on SIDS research in the world. I may also suggest Dr. William Sears, Elizabeth Pantly, and Dr. Harvey Karp for sleep- a hot topic and it’s solutions. I’ve met and talked to all but Dr. Harvey Karp at these conferences. It’s wonderful to hear different research and use what works for you. I found that even in parenting, we are all different and take the advice from some resources better than others. The manner one may have over another could be reassuring and more helpful to meet the goal.
Hot Topic Answers
None of the above questions have a hard yes or no answer. The only time sleep is a genuine problem is when a baby is having other health issues-jaundice, poor weight gain, chromosome factors, premature baby, etc. That’s when we should follow the physician’s advice and work on sleep at another time. No one sleeps the same every day for the rest of their life. Indeed, we can make sleep easier for the child or ourselves by following a set of guidelines (routines), but it’s not foolproof. We can’t expect each baby to follow the rules every day.
The style of nighttime parenting that works for you may not work out for your BFF, or even your baby number 2. Only give advice to friends as a suggestion, try not to sound like your way is the BEST or only way, and everything else is stupid. Remember that you only know your own children, well. You’d have to walk a mile in your friend’s shoes to get the whole picture. Refrain from judging her approach. As parents, we need to build each other up while gently giving a tip that may have worked in your family.
As a mom of 7 children and an expert in my field, the best advice I have is to listen to your inner voice- try not to compare your parenting or kids and remember that this too shall pass. All of my children sleep just fine on their own, and none of them wish to sleep with me anymore. It’s bittersweet! Hang in there it does get easier.
Happy Parenting!
