Oral Dysfunction Series: Navigating the Controversy Around TOTs (Tethered Oral Tissues)
Understanding who to trust, what to look for, and how to move forward with confidence. When a new parent hears terms like tongue tie, lip tie, or buccal tie, it can feel confusing and overwhelming. One provider may say, “Yes, absolutely!” while another dismisses it entirely. Suddenly, you’re left wondering: Who is right? Who should I trust? Does my baby really need treatment—or nothing at all? This uncertainty—paired with strong opinions from all sides—is exactly what makes Tethered Oral Tissues (TOTs) one of the most controversial topics in infant feeding and oral development today. This guide will help you understand the debate, recognize true oral dysfunction, and take informed, confident next steps for your baby. Why Are TOTs So Controversial? 1. There Is No Single Diagnostic Standard Different providers use different tools, philosophies, and training backgrounds. Some focus heavily on appearance, while others assess oral function. Because there is no universal diagnostic protocol, parents often receive conflicting answers. 2. Over-Diagnosis AND Under-Diagnosis Are Both Real Some professionals label almost every visible frenulum as a “tie,” while others ignore functional restrictions entirely—even when they affect feeding, breathing, or oral development. The truth sits somewhere in the middle. 3. A Frenectomy Alone Isn’t a Magic Fix A release (also called a frenectomy) addresses the restriction—but not the oral dysfunction. Without addressing muscle patterns, tension, and feeding skills, many babies experience only temporary or minimal improvement. 4. Training Levels Vary Dramatically Anyone can claim knowledge about TOTs, but true infant oral-motor expertise requires advanced, hands-on education, especially in feeding and functional movement patterns. How Can a Parent Navigate This Confusion? 1. Look at the Whole Baby—Not Just the Frenulum The real question you should be asking is: “Is my baby’s oral function restricted, and how is it affecting feeding, breathing, and development?” Appearance alone does not determine whether a tie is functionally significant. 2. Start With a Skilled Feeding Professional A specialized IBCLC should always be your first step. At Lactation Station & More, our team has advanced training in oral dysfunction and TOT-related feeding challenges.While we cannot diagnose ties, we can: This ensures you are not pushed toward unnecessary procedures—or left without help when one is truly needed. 3. Seek Collaborative, Multi-Disciplinary Opinions High-quality oral-function assessments often include: This team approach ensures structure, function, tension patterns, and feeding skills are all evaluated together. 4. Ask These Key Questions When Choosing a Provider Use this checklist to protect your baby and ensure thorough evaluation: These answers reveal a provider’s philosophy and depth of knowledge quickly. When Is a Frenectomy Truly Needed? A release may be appropriate when: A frenectomy should never be the first step—but it is sometimes the right step. Your Next Steps: A Clear, Parent-Friendly Roadmap Step 1: Book an Advanced Feeding & Oral Function Assessment We evaluate latch, oral movement, tension, coordination, and feeding—giving you a clear, customized plan. Step 2: Begin Conservative Measures This often includes: Step 3: Connect With Trusted Bodyworkers Tension frequently contributes to oral dysfunction. Addressing it improves outcomes dramatically. Step 4: If Needed, See an Airway-Aware Provider We guide you to dentists and ENTs who understand both structure and function—not just appearance. Step 5: Build a Thoughtful Post-Release Plan A procedure without aftercare rarely leads to long-term improvement. We ensure your baby has support every step of the way. Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone TOTs are real—and they can affect feeding.But not every baby needs a frenectomy, and not every provider has the training to evaluate function properly. At Lactation Station & More, we offer: Your baby deserves support rooted in evidence, experience, and empathy.And you deserve clarity, not confusion. 💜 Need help navigating a possible tongue tie or feeding concern? Book an Advanced Oral Function & Feeding Assessment today.We’re here to support you—every step of the way. #BreastfeedingSupport #InfantFeedingJourney #TongueTieAwareness #LipTieSupport #TOTsEducation #OralFunctionMatters #IBCLC #LactationConsultant #SummervilleMoms #LowcountryMoms #MomSupport #NewMomLife #ParentingSupport #FeedingTips #BabyFeedingHelp #OralDysfunction #LactationStationAndMore #MotheringTheMother #FrenectomyInfo #BreastfeedingStruggles #NewbornCare #PerinatalSupport #HolisticFeedingSupport #LowcountryBabies #EvidenceBasedFeeding
A Time for Reflection
My thirties were a time for reflection. Learning about oneself can be quite eye-opening. Follow my journey to understand all of me. Some parts are so ingrained it may take a complete remodel. Many good and bad things came to pass. It was the first time I experienced a close family member die (my husbands’ grandmother and I were very close). I also learned my mom and stepfather had cancer. It was also the first time I was not pregnant or nursing in 10 years. As well as the beginning of a new millennium, and I started to “find” myself. My thirties were the flowering of who I am. The child in me was finally growing up. Sort of! Evolving I stopped blaming my mother for my happiness and past; I was in the best shape ever, I ate the healthiest, had a large tribe of friends to share with and I was content in my style of parenting. Finding my way through my 20’s was busy and confusing at times, but my thirties were indeed a time of reflection. Seeing the world through adult eyes allowed me to practice alternative therapies, eat to live, homeschool my children, and attend births with many women. Everything in moderation, I assure you. We were just exploring outside the box. Finding our way in the world. The evolution of one’s soul is infinite, but this is a whole other story to tell! Grew Apart My business was busy; I was a core component to the birth and breastfeeding community, my kids were more self-sufficient, my eyes were wide open, and yet I was still lonely. My physical self was always full, but I was still missing a connection. With my husband. Mainly, I was a single mom in a married relationship. We loved each other, but as we “grew up,” we grew apart. He thought I was a “hippie,” and I felt he was married to a computer (in his defense, that’s what he does for a living). The wider my eyes became, the more crunch there was to me, and he and I weren’t seeing life on the same level anymore. Another time for reflection. My husband and I had been together a total of 13 years, married 11, when we decided to part ways. Our children were 5, 7, 10, 11 & my first was 14. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and I had been through hell before. Hell number 2 lasted a long time. Parenting in a Time of Reflection It was clear to anyone who knew me that my calling to motherhood was profound. Conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding were relatively easy, parenting came naturally, and I thrived at it. It’s hard to say “how” since I didn’t have any role models, but if you believe in a “destiny,” then this was surely it for me. I was certainly not perfect at it and had my ups and downs like any other mom, but my happy place was being a mother. Throw in a bitter divorce, and your core self is shaken. Protecting my children from the ugliness of a broken heart was indeed my new job 24/7. Guilt, blame, indiscretion, regret, remorse is all hideous to experience and witness. Even when you both agree to be amicable, there is bound to be unsightly baggage. Add another stressor on top, and you get a perfect storm. A Low Blow to Reflect on My mother got remarried after my 4th baby was born, and our relationship got stronger and stronger. We still had our differences, but we were in a much better place. Her husband didn’t have children, and he and my mom became an integral part of my children’s lives. So much so that shortly after baby number 5, they moved to Pennsylvania to be close to us. Unfortunately, it’s also the time that we found out both she and my stepdad had cancer. They were 51 and 54 at the time, had been married five years, and were enjoying a bit of traveling. It was a low blow for everyone since my stepdad only had six months to live. Incidentally, he lived for 18 months! Self Preservation This decade was rough but in a much more grown-up way. So many life-changing events were in extremes. Either very good and happy or horrible and sad. My stress level was at a new norm, and it just kept getting more intense. As you can imagine, I’m not a type-A personality, and I can roll with the punches of a life well. Still, the more I learned about myself, the harder the transition. It’s one thing to have self-preservation but an entirely different monster when you are helping your children and sick mother through rough times as well. New Relationship Around the same time, my stepfather died, I also formed another relationship. At first, we were friends who had a lot in common and reveled in a reciprocal relationship. It didn’t take long for us to bring our kinship to the romantic level and then kids and marriage. Finding out I was pregnant had brought about a mix of emotions. Don’t take that the wrong way, ALL my babies were always wanted, and a blessing. I couldn’t be happier on some level, but selfishly the timing was all wrong. I didn’t want to be the mother with three different baby daddies, nor was I entirely over my last marriage. Besides, I feared my older children would resent me, my new boyfriend, and or our children. Plus, I run a business and felt a sense of failing my community by setting a poor example. I was still trying to protect ALL my babies! We made it through, and I entered My 40’s exhausted!
Finding Your Parenting Style
Have you been unsuccessful at finding your parenting style? Are you concerned about the Best or Right way to parent your baby, child, or children? Are you struggling with discipline? Do you take a particular approach to mother or fathering and have a bad feeling? Do you force yourself to follow the parenting fad of the times (sleep training, time outs, cell phone rules, etc.)? These questions and many more are a fact of life as parents. From hour to hour, day to day, and child to child, we are forever skeptical in our parenting decisions. At one time or another, we’ve challenged, argued & possibly defended many other parents, including our own to unravel the complex befuddlement that having children bring. Matter of fact, since the techno era, half our time is spent measuring parenting styles against most people on social media. While it is not recommended to compare yourself to others, this is the way the world works nowadays, and we must find ways to survive. Handbook is Missing Let’s face it; babies are not born with a handbook highlighting each phase of his or her life. We are “winging it” from the inception! If you’ve ever run a business or had employees, you know parenting is similar, except there are no HARD RULES! You can’t count on one day being the same as the next because children change (and quite frankly, so do parents). The only HARD FACT is to be flexible and to have a sense of humor. From early in infancy throughout adulthood, no period is stress-less, worry-less, or effortless. Although when you are in the “rough spots,” other phases look more appealing. See if these examples ring a bell: A new mom can’t wait for the newborn to get older so she can get more sleep. The toddler dad is longing for the time his 3-year-old doesn’t change her mind about food (or anything) every 5 minutes. The school-age family that struggles with a learning disability. The preteen that is always angry or in her room. The teen that is now driving or hanging out with a poor choice of friends. The young adult in college potentially making wrong choices. The adult child that is getting married or having a baby at a tender age. The adult leaving a good job or getting a divorce. Let’s not forget the threat of dealing with mental health or addiction problems in this generation. Yes, some periods are calmer and gentler on the family, but as I mentioned before, parenthood is always evolving, and parents need to be on their toes 24/7. All I Ever Need to Know Sure, there are guidelines for parenting that involve morals and ethics, but everything else is a mixture of nature (genetics) and nurture (upbringing) with a dash of guesswork. Basically, if we break down Robert Fulghum’s “All I Ever Need to Know” and teach our kids with those lessons, then we’ve nailed it! In basic psychology, parenting styles have been broken down into four main groups, with a lot of spawns. After extensive research, raising seven children and supporting families for 30 years, my theory is that we use all four styles in varied ways at different times with different children and various obstacles at one time or another. It’s not to suggest that everyone does or should; I’m merely pointing out that we are not perfect-EVER, which leaves us using a style that may or may not have been the best. For instance, I was the pregnant first-time mom in McDonald’s on my lunch break watching another mom feed her kids, and I vowed that I “would never” let my kids eat fast food. Yes, I was stupid enough that I never made the connection I was ALREADY feeding my unborn baby this junk! Not to mention that I have succumbed to junk food with my kiddos many times since. Some excursions were strictly to unwind at the play place or ball pit because I needed a free distraction, but they usually weaseled a happy meal out of me anyway. Right or wrong, I don’t know. I know that we all had a better day when the kids were entertained, having fun, and worn out. Win-win! Test Your Parenting Style FOR FUN: See which style of parenting you think you are and guess again (shhhh don’t tell anyone)! Try asking someone else to read through and judge your technique. Then do it for another person. Don’t forget to share and exchange with your parents and partner as well. Make a promise NOT to let it cause an argument. Most likely, you will see yourself mainly in one category but keep an open mind for the other types. AUTHORITATIVE-warm and responsive with clear rules, accepting, high expectations, positive discipline, earn respect (not demand), supportive, and values independence. Practices hugging, saying I love you, cheering and smiling but expects the child to toe the rope (so to speak). UN-INVOLVED-neglectful, cold, unresponsive, make few demands on the child and can be indifferent. Ignores the child’s needs, wants, or presence in some cases. May not know what is going on in a child’s life with friends, school, dating, etc. PERMISSIVE-has the least rules or demands, indulgent, high responsiveness, warm, and lenient. May allow the child to get away with wrongdoing at school or home. Tries to give everything he or she wants. AUTHORITARIAN– Has high demands, low responsiveness, punishes harshly with little feedback, can be unresponsive, and expects blind obedience. Usually doesn’t listen to the child for his/her reason or argument, wants him to get it done. We’ve all heard the new generation terms for parenting as well: HELICOPTER– overly involved, smothering, hovering, lawnmower, constant interaction or interference, controlling, enmeshed, overprotecting, and over parenting. INSTINCTIVE-old school method of using your gut, intuition, and personal style combined. ATTACHMENT-strong emotional bond, the belief that children should be “attached” at the hip to feel secure enough to be independent someday. TOUGH LOVE– primarily used for troubled, rebellious, or addicted
Sibling Rivalry
Sibling Rivalry-a competition between brothers and sisters-is, not a comfortable term coming from any parent. Matter of fact, it is the bane of every parent’s existence. When pregnant with a second or consecutive child, we spend countless hours in a dream world of how we envision our perfect little family. Even those that grew up with sibling squabbles or still have some today will find themselves thinking, “that won’t be my family.” Seriously, don’t we all think we can raise better kids than that? Or, you may be thinking that your parents didn’t handle the rivalry the way you did and therefore escalated the situation. Always the parents’ fault. Worse yet, could be the parent that still believes his or her sibling is “the favorite.” I’m sure he/she thinks they would NEVER do that to their kids. I grew up in a small Irish Catholic community where large families were the norm. I can only remember one other “only” child in the area. Most of the families had 5-9 children, but even the ones with 2 or 3 appeared to have some tension going on. Of course, I couldn’t relate, so I would beg my friends to stop the arguments and get along. Always asking why they hate their kin so much or how they could be so mean. I mainly took offense to them, wishing they could be an “only” child. All of my life, I wanted for a sibling to have that bond with, so to me, these kids didn’t realize how good they had it. While I, of course, didn’t understand what it was like to share everything, including the parents’ attention. The grass does look greener on the other side. Fast forward to my life with seven children, and I’m thrust into a world of sibling rivalry. I have learned that there is no magic, special potion, curse, spell, or otherwise to MAKE my children get along; with each other or with myself. Nor is there a way to prove your love for each child is as individual as each snowflake. That there are no favorites. Maybe there are times as a parent that you are getting along better with one over another, but you don’t love them anymore. It’s just different, as is each personality in the family. Useful Suggestions for All Since I am no expert, read more about why here. I will share a few tips for ways to help diffuse the situation. Hopefully, some or all will give you reprieve from the commotion going on in the next room. Don’t let sibling rivalry bring you down to their level. What those cherub children are doing- purposeful or not- is trying to make you choose between them. Whose side you take, equates to who you love more, in a child’s mind. Avoid branding-we are all guilty of this. Each family has its jester, geek, smartypants, jock, introverted, extroverted, etc. Don’t compare or put each kid in a box. Don’t take sides-I know it’s difficult at times, but showing neutrality can keep the peace. Lead by example– be the person you want your children to be in struggle. Teach conflict resolution– if you must, learn about it yourself and model it. Make sure each child has a space of their own to retreat to- who doesn’t need time to themselves? Honor your children’s needs too. Arrange for a particular time alone with parents– kids thrive on special time with each parent. Celebrate their uniqueness and let them lead the way. Stay fair but equal based on age- the younger one has to understand that the older one has more privileges based on maturity/age. It’s not about fairness in certain instances. Listen, no REALLY listen- stop what you are doing and give 100% of your time and attention to the child in distress. Look them in the eyes! Even if they are wrong, they need to know you HEARD them too. Plan family activities together- when children see everyone getting along and playing fair together, you set the stage for their next rivalry. They will remember the good feelings they had when playing cards or at the park last time, helping to minimize the hard feelings. When they’ve put down someone, they need to give a positive attribute about that person-no one likes to get insulted, least of all a child. It’s hurtful at every age, and children need to hear that they are good too. Remember H.A.L.T. when determining the cause of conflict- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If any of these are happening, try to fix it first. Getting to the bottom of the feelings can diffuse a more significant problem. Older Children Tips It’s probably harder to watch or listen to your older children duke it out as they get beyond the 10-year-old stage. Worse is when they’re adults. The older they get, the better at hurting each other, purposeful or not. Maybe they’ve learned some fighting etiquette through childhood, but try taming the hormones of a preteen or teen. It can get ugly fast. Impulse control is not fixable until the mid-twenties. That’s a lot of years to help them tame their passions in the heat of the moment. Remember, as they get older, they have more alone time, and you may not be there to keep it civil. It’s ok, somehow all of my friends and their siblings are still alive today. Despite my angst of the sibling rivalry, they all learned to love each other at some point. While still using the tips above, incorporate a FAMILY MEETING! Start with a well thought out agenda. Have issues, concerns, interests, and events to discuss ready. Determine the priorities, clarify the problems with the most effective solutions, and how to implement the solutions. Depending on age and circumstances, try to incorporate one fun, family activity per week/month/quarter. If children are moved out but close enough, try to meet up somewhere or have a family dinner-game-movie, etc. after the meeting. Always discuss the meeting rules before getting started! Give each individual a chance to talk (not yell),
10 Simple Brain Building Toddler Activities
* If you click some of links I’ve added to this educational information, I may earn a few cents to help keep this operational. I’ve either used these products myself or trust the recommendations from the moms I serve and choose to pass on the great tips. Win-Win You don’t have to be artistically inclined to successfully entertain your toddler. These simple brain building toddler activities can be modified toward any age, gender, skill set and intellect. First gather your tools and find a safe area in your home that is acceptable to mess up! Don’t spend a fortune on products to avoid being upset when your child breaks, loses or throws items away by accident. Do, however, try to get some things you can reuse to save time and money. When you start a project, start with the least number of pieces and add on as needed. Little ones don’t need many moving parts to be entertained. They just need someone to show interest and spend time with them. Basic materials to start with: Chalk– large for small fingers. Paint brushes, paint, sponges, smock– all in one is easier and cheaper. Bubbles– easy to use for you and the toddler. Great for bath, outside or pool time. Pipe cleaners– easier for little fingers to handle. Various sizes and colors. Pompoms– mixed sizes, colors and shapes. Macaroni-mixed shapes is great. Extra-large for the younger toddler. Playdoh– with accessories is best to save time and money. Crayons – large for small fingers. Paper– multi use paper that can withstand a toddler and any medium. Large beads-nothing that they could swallow. Sand– it doesn’t have to be colorful, natural works great for this activity. Stickers– toddler stickers are meant for the little ones to handle with ease. No frustrations. Cookie sheet- any metal surface that can come with you anywhere. Chalkboard spray paint– if you’re up to giving your toddler a small piece of wall to do chalk on. Markers – large for small fingers. Art floor mat– anything to protect your floor. Puzzles and tongs– they can be separate, but I like this kit due to the ease for toddlers. Some tongs are hard for little hands to maneuver. Small containers– Make sure you pick something that your little artist can’t open without you! Cupcake tray– have kids use tongs to pick up various items (straw pieces, magnets, pompoms, beads) and put in each cup. As they get more competent, try to have them separate by color-number-type etc. Empty boxes of various sizes- save boxes to have toddlers draw on, especially large boxes they can sit in. Empty egg cartons- can be used instead of cupcake tray. Great for separating paint colors as well as painting. Clear contact paper– any color or design will do in a pinch. Zip lock bags of various sizes Empty toilet paper, paper towel or gift wrap tubes- use as a tunnel for cars, pompoms, sticks, acorns etc. Let your imagination run wild here. Kids can put anything in these for fun. If you have a container, small garbage can or basket under it, cleanup will be a lot faster. Keep in mind that the first 5 years can be the best time for brain building activities. Brain development is at lightning speed during this crucial period of growth. Spending a few minutes every day working on fine motor skills with these simple exercises can boost cognitive progression, hand eye coordination and communication. These 10 simple brain building toddler activities can be done even when you aren’t feeling up to the task: Paint with water– no fuss no mess; they can do this on paper, rocks, shells or anything really- just watching those items get wet will keep their interest. Be sure to offer different size paint brushes or other tools. Q-tips, sponges, small roller brush, bubble wrap, fingers, spoon, paper, cotton balls, basting brush etc. Throw a little sand on the paper for added effect. Don’t be afraid to let them experiment with texture as well. Cookie sheet with magnets– find different types of magnets to keep their interest longer, but in a pinch any magnet will do. Even from the refrigerator. Plus, this is a simple activity to bring along when you’re in a hurry. Gather various size cookie sheets for simplicity. This can keep some toddlers enthralled for hours. Draw with chalk on the wall you’ve already prepped with chalkboard spray paint. Or any surface that you don’t mind wiping chalk off. We find the deck, rocks, toys, shells and ride on toys beautifully decorated all the time. It is easy to clean, so don’t get mad if chalk ends up in places you weren’t expecting. Sensory bin- if you have this ready all the time, it’ll be easy to set up when you’re low on energy and enthusiasm. Start with dry, safe, non-perishables that have different textures. If your toddler eats everything then size matters too. Suggestions; pasta, tin foil, Pom poms, sticky tape or squish balls and something earthy (acorn, flower, pine needle etc.). Put in container let them feel their way. Sensory bag-keep one around that can distract while you’re busy. Easy to make and be creative while toddler spends time exploring. 2 (any size) freezer bags, water, duct tape and a bath toy or 2 for the easiest one. Put water in one bag with toy, squeeze air out, zip it and tape it before putting into another bag for security and zip and tape again. Feel free to switch up what you put in bag: try play doh and beads or Pom poms: Hair gel, glitter, small plastic animals, food dye and the list is endless. Pompom play- have kiddo use tongs to pick up Pom Pom and put into something (we use cupcake tray or egg carton to show separation. As they need more of a challenge try putting one color in each compartment or counting as they do it. Using tongs builds hand strength. Contact
The Trials and Tribulations of a Young Mom
To understand the trials and tribulations of this young mom, you should read this and this first. Being emancipated at 16 certainly makes you feel like a full-grown adult. Everything I did was with a responsible thought process, but I certainly wasn’t perfect. Many times, I would act like a typical teen and just have a boyfriend or hang with my friends, but work, school and sports encompass your whole life and leaves little room for fun. As adulting does to everyone. Even learning to drive was taught by my older friends since I didn’t have an adult to guide me, but I managed. With a bit of scrimping and saving I bought my own $500 car at 16. It was a necessity, since you really can’t get around on Long Island without a car. I did attend a community college through a grant due to my circumstances. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a “doctor of babies.” At this point I was working full time at a bank, making decent money in collections and part time at a pediatrician’s office as a medical assistant, so taking classes was part time. Many trials and tribulations with money and time management made my doctor journey take different paths, but somehow through many years, I was able to get my associates degree. Another distraction came when I was 19…pregnancy. Unfortunately, I was always searching for the right guy to marry and start a family with. Certainly, not intentionally but to fill a void-as per my therapist. It wasn’t as though I wanted someone to take care of me, it was to create the PERFECT family that I had craved my whole childhood. So, when I was 19 and realized I was pregnant, I was elated! At the time, I felt as though I was a “grown ass woman.” Nineteen is young in the grand scheme of things, but I had lived through a lot already and felt like I was 30 so having a baby wasn’t overwhelming to me. It became my focal point. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I felt the same and did everything we could to have the healthiest, safest and best outcome. We announced the pregnancy and planned a wedding in 6 weeks. Besides a few phone calls here and there my mom and I were still struggling to repair our relationship. She did walk me down the aisle at the wedding as she was all I had. Other than the rain, the wedding was fine. The pregnancy was perfect, and I felt great. Mentally I was in the best space ever and delved into learning everything there was to know through books, other parents and classes (there was little internet in 1988). Honestly, this was the start of my career in birth. My baby girl was born on Memorial Day, a week before my due date on a full moon. We were both healthy and thrived. A NEW Young Family Those first months were HARD! I knew babies were a lot of work, but I didn’t have a single role model. Matter of fact, I had never held a newborn baby before and thought the hospital would deem me unfit to leave with her. So much fumbling and guessing in those early months (who am I kidding-I still guess half the time). My daughter was colicky and screamed for 4-5 hours every night for 3 months, my husband I and became more and more distant and we did not have good resources for support. My mother in law was strict in her convictions and didn’t feel I should hold her so much so she would put her down to scream alone while my own mother had no words of wisdom. She would come and hold her for a little while and go back to Queens. My friends were clueless and there was no social media. Ahhh the trials and tribulations of a young mom! When my baby was 4 months old, I found a babysitter and returned to work, begrudgingly. I was so affected by the lack of a relationship between my mother and I that I believed all children should have a stay at home parent. Just the thought of leaving my baby for 40+ hours per week made me sick-literally! I did not want someone else to raise my daughter and resented the fact that I had to work but I did it. By the end of the first week, I had been having headaches so bad I started to throw up. Once at the doctor, I was whisked to the hospital and put in quarantine. Everything was a whirlwind for 5 days! The only people I saw were doctors and nurses dressed in those suits you see in movies. Apparently, I had viral meningitis and it was awful. I guess your mind can make you sick. Trials and Tribulations of a Young Marriage My recovery was at my in laws house and slow. I had a spinal headache for a month following my hospital stay. I couldn’t sit up comfortably and hold my baby, my milk was dried up and my mother in law was not caring for her the way I would. Plus, we couldn’t find an appropriate formula for my daughter. She was more miserable then before. We later realized she was and still is lactose intolerant. Of course, I was scared, hormonal, in pain and helpless as well. My husband had to go to work every day and leave me there, but I was not happy. I was grateful for the help, but it was hard to watch someone else raise your kid the opposite way you wanted her to. I did not return to work until she was 1 and even then, I brought her with me. That was the beginning of the end of my marriage. We grew further and further apart and didn’t have help to fix it. Even though my husband is 6
22 Steps to Toddler Days
Learning the 22 steps to toddler days can alleviate some of the guesswork. We all know toddlers are a breed of their own. No longer a baby by community standards but equally as needy, when they allow it. Testing boundaries, expanding vocabulary, finding his inner athleticism all while still needing to be coddled if the big, bright world feels too overwhelming. Especially if he is hearing the words “no, don’t touch that and stop” all day long. It takes patience, consistency, humor and creativity to parent this bunch, but I assure you it can be done. Start by focusing on what you can do to preempt the behaviors you don’t want. Use the acronym H.A.L.T or Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired to prepare for your day. If you can prevent outbursts and meltdowns you can enjoy a great day with him. After all, dealing with a crabby toddler is only going to make a crabby mom or dad. SAHM version of a toddler day Try these great strategies to help keep you on track of the 22 steps to toddler days: Wake up– Try to be consistent with time of day. Breastfeeding, bottle-feeding or just plain cuddling is fine for a little while, but as soon as he is leaving your side it’s time to get up and face the day. ESTIMATE 20 MINUTES Change diaper or use the potty and get dressed– make a game of it by singing or counting. ESTIMATE 15 MINUTES Wash up and brush teeth– Use a special song that will keep him brushing longer. Something that really gets his attention, only for this time of day. Don’t stress, just make it fun. Eventually he will brush better. ESTIMATE 10 MINUTES Play with toys while you prepare food and or tend to your own needs (vitamins, coffee etc.)- You can use your own kitchen tools to entertain baby. Matter of fact set aside a lower cabinet that baby can use whenever he wants. Put only the safest FUN interesting dishes in there. Start with pots and pans, plastic or wooden spoons, spatulas, cups, measuring spoons, Tupperware etc. You don’t need much for your little one to be entertained. Only let him into this cabinet when you need distractions while cooking or in the kitchen. ESTIMATE 15 MINUTES Eat a well-balanced breakfast– this may be the only decent meal you can get into a busy toddler. See if you can offer all the food groups in small quantities to cover your bases. Try to sit with him at the table and make it a morning routine. Even if you offer a piece of apple, an egg with spinach and a few beans you’ve done a great job. Some toddlers eat best when on the go. It’s ok for now. You can try table meals again in a few weeks or months when he has a better attention span and is intrigued by you sitting at the table. ESTIMATE 15 MINUTES WHEW, you’ve done all of this and it’s only 9am! Congratulations, now you know the busy beaver is set up for success! Most will be getting ready for a nap within 2 hours of waking. Don’t let that window slip away. It’s important to honor that first nap to be successful for the rest of the day. Ideally, try to have your planned activities ready the night before. This can be anything from a simple craft to a hike in the woods. Be consistent with your 22 steps-when possible: Most toddlers have a ton of energy, so it’s best to use a physical activity after breakfast when possible. You can both get some exercise and start the day feeling energized. A walk around the block, running in the yard, attempt a game of catch and throw, ride on toys in your driveway or go for a brisk walk/run with baby in stroller. If you put him in a stroller, keep in mind he will still need to release some excess liveliness when you return. ESTIMATE 30-45 MINUTES Change diaper wash up and prepare for naptime– again, it’s great if you can stick to routine and matter of fact behavior on your part. Kids thrive on consistency at this age. 10am-12pm ish could be NAP TIME- even if your child will not nap, teach him that it’s time to rest. Create a space that is acceptable to you for him to do this. Maybe it’s alone in his room or crib/bed or perhaps you will lay down with him for some R&R yourself. It’s perfectly fine to still be cuddling or nursing to sleep if that works for your family. Either way if you set the stage for what is appropriate and what is not tolerated, he will eventually come around. Just be sure to clear the environment of distractions (including devices) as much as possible and set the ambience to avoid any meltdowns. ESTIMATE 1-2 HOURS It’s YOU time– use your time wisely. Sitting on your phone scrolling through memes and other people’s lives when you hear that first call for mom or dad will set the stage for the rest of your day. It is important to do SOME adulting tasks but allow yourself to revel in the quiet as well. A nap is ok too. Repeat steps 1-4- this time it will be faster since you won’t need teeth and dressing time, plus you aren’t as sleepy. ESTIMATE 15-30 minutes Lunch time– keep it simple with good food groups and accept that snacking is a toddler thing. Try plain yogurt with granola and berries if he is willing to sit still. Otherwise, peanut or almond butter on banana or multi grain toast or crackers. After lunch and before the next nap is a good time to run errands or meet friends for a playdate. Just make it relatively short ESTIMATE 1-2 hours At home activities– have a few things ready to challenge his mind if you won’t be running errands. Try some of these
Should I Let Her Go?
My 13-year-old daughter wants to ride her scooter about 2 miles away to meet her friends. This makes my stomach turn and I struggle with the correct answer to her question. Two miles is a long way riding alone. On the one hand, I’m happy she wants to get out AND exercise but on the other hand, I don’t want her to go alone. She is my 7th child, so this is not my first rodeo with a teen. Three years ago, my son was wandering around the neighborhood with and without his friends all the time and still does at 16. Sure, I worry about his safety, but for reasons unbeknownst to me I trust that he could “take care of himself.” Even when he was 9-10-11 years old my concerns were not as pronounced as they are for my daughter. My Spidey senses are always heightened when SHE asks. I did not fear the same things that I fear for my daughter, although maybe I should’ve. Could it be that I’m being protective because she is my last baby? Perhaps! Or maybe I’m older and wiser-or just more anxious? Possibly it’s because I’m not sure she could handle herself in an emergency. Or did I just gender stereotype my kids? I mean I’m certainly not perfect even after all these children over the span of 31 years. Whatever the reasons lurking in those dark spaces of my brain, it doesn’t matter. If my gut or Spidey senses are talking to me, I need to honor that. After all, how would I feel if I let her go and something bad happened. I couldn’t live with that. Explore with me the best- and worst-case scenarios: BEST Exercise- she does get exercise through sports but spends a lot of time on her cell phone (that’s another blog) Off her phone- can she ride and FaceTime, text or social media-at the same time? I’m praying she’s not that savvy. Socialization- I’m hoping they talk to each other face to face as opposed to all being on their phones, but??? Learning about the world -direction, traffic, rules of the road, manners, scary people to avoid etc. WORST Gets lost- I suppose the phone would come in handy for this situation. Injury-she is riding a scooter through a small city with uneven sidewalks. Anything is possible. Hit by car- is she aware enough of her surroundings? Does she know the rules of the road? Kidnapper- all my children have been taught about strangers throughout their lives, but people are more and more conniving and good at it. Would she know what to do? Sex trafficking- she’s a new thirteen-year-old. How much exposure to sex has she had, much less the awareness of horrible people that can do such a thing. Obviously, these organizations are very good at tricking girls and boys, that’s how they flourish and survive. She’s not where she says- oh I trust her as much as you can trust any 13-year-old, but temptation is always there. I mean weren’t you a teen once? Could these situations happen in any scenario, to any gender, at any age? Absolutely! Let’s face it statistically speaking of the worst cases, there’s a 1 in 300,000 chance of her being kidnapped and 1 in 199,000 of her being sold into sex slavery. Still it’s a statistic I don’t want to be part of, even though she’ll probably be fine. Of course, she’s been talked to about all the topics above and has grown up in a family with a lot of exposure to teen topics, but she is new to the freedom that comes at this stage of life. She has walked to closer friends houses before, even at 9-10-11yrs old but with a sibling or friend. I believe in the buddy system and try to encourage it as much as possible. Unfortunately, we live a mile away from the closest friends’ house, so we have limitations and tend to drive them more. By now you’ve probably surmised that I’m a helicopter parent, nervous nanny or maybe you’re thinking I’m way too lenient, but the truth is that we all have our crosses to bear. Our own upbringing will make it harder to parent when faced with certain subjects. So, like me, next time your inner voice is talking to you ask yourself where this is coming from before reacting. I knew I grew up with rough teen years and wanted to protect my baby but that isn’t always the right answer for everyone. As for my youngster, after reminding her of all the “rules,” I let her go. She met up with friends along the way to their destination but had a mile on the road alone. It was difficult and I did have her text once she was there (how did our parents ever know we were safe without cell phones?) but I’m glad I did it. She felt respected and grown up and I cut the cord a little bit more. So, what would you do?
Breast Pain
When breast pain doesn’t go away it can leave a mother to feel defeated and distraught. Especially for those that felt breastfeeding was going well and her achy breast was not much of anything to worry about. Clearly, having a plan to resolve the issues quickly can bring peace back to the symbiotic relationship. Breastfeeding is an intricate exchange between a mother and her child. The mother relies on her offspring to take the milk from the breast while the child expects to find a quality bounty while suckling. Now and again the communication between the breast and infant goes awry for one reason or another and a “back-up” in the breast occurs. A firmness that makes the mom feel full and uncomfortable can become rather troublesome. Despite all the tips and tricks, she does to alleviate engorgement, the breast pain doesn’t go away. This situation is oftentimes a surprise to a mother that wakes up one morning in breast agony, unsure how she ended up here. Or possibly the mom who missed a feeding or two and has been behind since. Whatever her scenario, the quicker she gets it under control, the less damage will be done. Usually, the first sign of trouble is a sore lump in the breast, called a plugged duct. If mom can spend a few days being more mindful of emptying the breast well, with heat & massage, she’ll nip it in the bud. If the breast pain doesn’t go away, seeking help is her next step. She also needs to focus on how she got to this point to avoid recurrent issues. Mastitis If this “sore lump” doesn’t go away, or she isn’t able to empty the breast efficiently enough, this may move on to the next stage called mastitis. She may find herself with some or all of these symptoms: a very achy breast pain that won’t go away sore to the touch red & inflamed flu-like symptoms fever 101 or more chills exhaustion body aches She should call her obstetrician and lactation consultant to help her navigate this slippery slope. If the mother recognizes these signs early and reacts swiftly, she may be able to avoid antibiotics. Although it is still essential to have a caregiver or two to work with during this time. Using the suggestions for engorgement relief, along with these tips, can assist in a speedy recovery: Tips to Heal Mastitis Breast Pain Mom should take her baby and go to bed immediately. Treat herself as though she has the flu (no other chores). Feed baby often and effectively on both sides, starting with the affected breast first. If latch is not great, get help ASAP. Use breast compressions to be more effective at emptying the breast. Along with warm compresses and massage, put breasts in the bowl of warm water a few times per day (you can use Epsom salt in water). Dangle breasts over baby while feeding. Take hot showers. Stay braless if you are in bed. Reduce any constrictive clothing or positioning (don’t lay on belly). Stay hydrated. When prescribed, it’s crucial to finish the medication. Pump to drain breasts after feedings, using hand massage as well. Take anti-inflammatory medications as needed. Put cold compresses on the affected breast between feeds. This mother needs to keep her guard up even when she feels better. She is more susceptible to recurring plugged ducts or mastitis. Mom should not skip feedings or pumpings. Be sure the pump fits appropriately, and it is working effectively. Get help, if this happens again. Most important, DO NOT try to wean at this time. The process of drying your milk up could take days, weeks, months, or years in some cases. If she tries to do it too quickly, a larger infection can settle in and cause more problems. She needs to work with a healthcare provider and lactation consultant to find the best course of action for her situation. When Infection Goes Deeper than Breast Pain If a mom does not take mastitis seriously, a deeper infection may form-called a breast abscess (a localized area of pus). This is very serious and should not be taken lightly. She should talk to her HCP if she is not feeling any improvement with mastitis treatment after three days. The doctor may order an ultrasound of the breast to be sure she does not have an abscess. If the test confirms it, the mother will need to have it drained. This process can be done with surgery or fine-needle aspiration. Either way, she will need to keep emptying the breast during this time to avoid other problems. Working with a lactation consultant in conjunction with her physician can expedite the healing process. Keep in mind that the milk volume and taste (it’s saltier) will change during these conditions. Some babies outright refuse to feed on the affected side, and the mother will have to use a quality breast pump to keep emptying appropriately. She shouldn’t take it personally if she pushes past these issues breastfeeding can go back to normal in time. She needs to be patient and vigilant about treatment as well as working with professionals to avoid future complications. Here is the recap on the breast pain timeline: Manageable engorgement-breast pain eases with feeding or pumping. Challenging engorgement-breast pain that won’t go away regardless of efforts. Manageable plugged duct-lump in the breast that eases with feeding or pumping. Takes a few days. Challenging plugged duct-a lump that is not changing despite efforts even after a week. Manageable mastitis-red swollen, inflamed breast with mild flu-like symptoms, that improve with OTC or Keflex treatment. Challenging mastitis- red swollen, inflamed breast with flu-like symptoms, that despite antibiotic is not improving. Breast abscess-never manageable on your own. Seek care from a physician expert in breast care. Whatever the reason for her breast pain, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If she promptly reaches out to the right professionals and follows all the suggestions
Chow Time with Kids
Chow time with kids can go either way. Every day is a new adventure with the fickle offspring. For a parent, planning and preparing meals is likely a daunting task and can make for tension around mealtimes. Finding what pleases everyone in a family could make you wish for a chef. Kids have a love-hate relationship with food. Have you ever noticed how fast their favorite meal this week is the hated one next week? When you think you’ve found a mealtime pattern of happiness, those little monsters go switching things up. In our house, a favorite saying is, “Which way is the wind blowing today?” Meaning, do you like bananas (or some other food) or not? I still say this to my 13-year-old-eye roll! I’ll be honest here, with almost 32 years of experience raising 7-of-those-that-make-us-question-everything, I found no magic that has them approve or disapprove a specific food. Nor have I concocted any spell that makes my offspring try everything I put in front of them. The best tip I learned, by default; The busier I was the less I worried about what they were eating. Don’t worry; I didn’t let them starve or eat ring dings (are they even still around?) for breakfast. I always put out a plate of nutritionally balanced food and prayed for the best. Sometimes I was lucky and other times, not so much. Depending on my hustle of the day, I may choose to fight about chow time with kids or let it go. No Perfection Here Truthfully, I raised my children in a home where we offered foods in their most natural state as possible-most of the time. We belonged to CSA’s, planted food in our yard, had reciprocal bounty sharing with friends, went to Farmer’s Markets, frequented health food stores, and tried to teach the brood how crucial healthy food was to our existence. There was no perfect parenting, though! We still had the occasional fast food stop, boxed food night, or indulgent dessert. We did our best to instill good choices with balance as they evolved into young adults. We were hoping that we inspired enough for them to make healthy decisions throughout their lives. From infancy through adulthood, each child had their food quirks. As you probably have figured by now, it’s impossible to keep those youngsters in a bubble. They quickly learn all about the foods you’re trying to limit, from friends and other family members or commercials and society in general. Nevermind attending another little one’s birthday party, complete with all the processed, food dye, deep-fried, sugar-laden carbs you can find. So What’s a Parent to Do? My current binge-watching TV show is set in the 1700s, and while it may not be a perfect depiction, I have been observing how the children were parented. Good, bad, or indifferent-who knows? I will attest that 300 years ago when it was mealtime, everyone sat together and had a bowl or plate with the same food. Chow time with kids was no different. Either they ate what they had or went hungry. Sounds simple, right? As with all things parenting by today’s standards, we put too much time effort and energy into overthinking childrearing-including feeding them. Maybe if we had chores from sun up to sun down like those yesteryears, we wouldn’t be helicopter parents. Those families had no time to worry about everything little Billy did all day long. Plus, those children had chores a good portion of the time as well, even at 4-5-6 years old. So, for the sake of simplicity, why not back off? Keep a regular mealtime plan, limit the options, set down a colorful plate of whole foods, and go about your own business. No conversation about food, no debate, no switching anything-just plain old “this is what you get!” What’s the worst that could happen? Hungry kid, temper tantrum, wasted food, arguments amongst adults or with child-or both? All manageable. Enough hunger and eventually, they would concede the battle. Just In Case; For Chow Time with Kids Besides the “back off” method, I do have a few tips I found helpful through the years. Some worked better on one tot or another, but overall these were successful resolutions for chow time with kids. Stick to a routine whenever possible. Kids thrive on a predictable day. Avoid letting the tykes snack an hour before dinner. Hungrier is better. Encourage building an appetite. Outside play, chores, exercise, or just dancing can burn extra calories and ensure they will eat when they’re at the table. Make the ambiance upbeat. Have a pleasant meal conversation. Save any heated discussions for after mealtime. Give a warning message, bell, music, etc. 10 minutes before the kid needs to eat. They don’t like to disrupt playtime, and this will help make the transition. Enlist the help of those that will be eating. Even simple things for smaller ones like carry the cups to the table. Keep distractions out of the eating area, including all screens, toys, mail, homework, movies, etc. Please don’t force them to clean their plate. Whatever the little ones finish is a windfall. Give a set time limit that everyone has to stay at the table (10-15 minutes is okay- just be consistent). Remind them it is family time. No negotiating or bribing. It sets you up for more problems in the long run. Make an appropriate sized plate. Use the 1 tablespoon per age rule in the early years. For example, a 2-year-old would get 2 tablespoons worth of chicken, vegetables, and rice; 3 TBS for a 3-year-old, 4 TBS for a 4-year-old, you get the drift. Limit beverages at mealtimes and keep it to water only. Be a good role model. Try not to show your displeasure with food around the children. You can share the things that don’t tickle your palate at another time. Don’t buy junk. Or, if you do, keep it hidden. Kids don’t NEED cookies, soda, and donuts
